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I have a $400 phone bill
Too much shit in my room for one person to possibly deal with or own.
No friends left.
A boyfriend I adore.
Who lives on the other side of the country.
Really not enough money to cover that phone bill.
nothing to do.
everything to do.

Mike called and Sean is dead.

another one bites the dust.

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
scubast3
Feb. 12th, 2002 07:02 pm (UTC)
dude,i'm with you-
i can't pay my bill at all.
my phone got turned off.
my friend heather is now taking messages for me!
i have no car and no phoneno $!</b>

ahhh!AHHHHHahHH!

take care
love
steve..
mjfgates
Feb. 12th, 2002 07:06 pm (UTC)
Got any idea when you're actually moving? Or how you plan to do it-- fly, rent a U-Haul, buy an old used car and stuff it full of everything you own?

It is, somehow, good to hear that Sean's dead. He wanted to be.
maddening
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:12 pm (UTC)
No idea how I'll be moving.
We've gone over the options, but haven't decided, as there isn't any date for the move yet.

He'd been in the coma too long. The longer he stayed under the greater the chances that he did actually sustain severe brain damage.
Still feels like someone punched me in the stomach...

HAH! Kinda like he was still alive!
heh
subliminalis
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:07 pm (UTC)
how?
maddening
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:13 pm (UTC)
it's all in the gaddamned journal.
either you pay attention and know what's up or you don't

and if you don't, you don't get to ask me "how"
subliminalis
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:21 pm (UTC)
Re:
;P

all is said was 'sean is dead'

...(still looking at friends list for more updates)...

mabey i didnt get there yet
maddening
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:32 pm (UTC)
::SIGH:::

MY FRIEND JUST FUCKING DIED.

HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF A FEW WEEKS AGO BECUASE HE WAS A FUCKED IN THE HEAD SCHIZOPHRENIC.
THIS IS THE SAME FUCKED IN THE HEAD SCHIZOPHRENIC WHO BEAT THE SHIT OUT ME OVER 6 MONTHS AGO.
HE'S BEEN IN A COMA SINCE HE BLED HIMSELF ALMOST TO DEATH.
HE DIED YESTERDAY.
I FOUND OUT 4 HOURS AGO.

are you satisfied with that?
subliminalis
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:34 pm (UTC)
Re:
sorry for being concerned
maddening
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:40 pm (UTC)
asking me for details isn't showing concern.
And it certainly wasn't such an obtuse statement that it really needed the explaining. I know that because Gates up there knew exactly what and who I was talking about the whys and wherefores and he really doesn't have a spare block of attention to spare for detailed backstory reading to try to suss out the meaning of something.
But yet, he didn't need to ask me how.

Spare me your concern.
subliminalis
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:43 pm (UTC)
Re:
relax, forget about it
azmatiq
Feb. 12th, 2002 08:41 pm (UTC)
Concern is not what you expressed. You expressed curiosity, and it was pretty silly. I'm sure that someone who just lost a friend might not have the emotional energy it takes to explain things to you.

'how?' is not concern. It's a request for more information from someone who's obviously probably not in the mood to go over it with you.
subliminalis
Feb. 13th, 2002 12:26 pm (UTC)
Re:
Well, I believe that anyone who openly expresses that they have just lost someone wants to be asked about it. Why else would you bring it up at a party? Attention, sympathy, pity, mourning. Why would you wear ribbons in memory? In rememberance? Nah, I don't think so. Why would you type it up and post it onto your live journal? You know you are going to get people asking about it.

Mabey she just wanted to get it out, which is understandable. But you must remember that there are real people on the other ends of these phone and cable lines. People who want to get inside someone elses head. People who wants to express curiosity. someone who wants to help. People who care. That is why, and only why, I asked. Because I cared.

Next time I'll remember to keep my fucking mouth shut. (I know thats what everyone wants anyway.)

Mabybe I just worded it wrong. It may have come off like I didnt really care about it, but I did. Why else would I take the time to ask? Just to be shot down for asking?

If one of my friends had just passed away whom I didnt particularly like, I probably wouldnt post it on my journal, and if I did, I wouldnt snap when someone asks 'how' it happened or what the story behind it is. I would explain that I either really don't want to go into it right now, or that they died in 'this particular way', etc.

Just my point of view
josh
maddening
Feb. 13th, 2002 01:44 pm (UTC)
Well, I believe that anyone who openly expresses that
they have just lost someone wants to be asked about it. Why else would you bring it up at a party?


Is this a party? No. This is my journal. I put things here that are on my mind; Things that make me laugh; Things that upset me; Things that I want to put here about my current state of mind that I can go back and look over again, rethink, and compare to my current situation... in other words, just like a paper journal. A little life chronicle. The people on my friends list are there not because they are "friends" but because I want to read what they have to say and because I trust them to read what *I* have to say.

Attention, sympathy, pity, mourning. Why would you wear ribbons in memory? In rememberance? Nah, I don't think so. Why would you type it up and post it onto your live journal?

Because it's a part of my life. And I put parts of my life in this journal. Everyone uses LJ for a different purpose or goal. For some people, it's a silly fun thing; For some people it's to try out new things or act as a news source; For others it's an actual place to put their feelings and thoughts. Shock of shocks, I actually put my feelings and thoughts here. Not all of them, but enough that there is a rather comprehensive picture drawn of things.


You know you are going to get people asking about it.

And I discussed Sean's suicide attempt just a couple weeks ago. I told you it was there, and that if you wanted to know it was there for reading. One of the nice things about LJ is that I don't have to re-explain everything I mention if I've already mentioned it. It's linear. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go back a bit and I will have probably already talked about it. But no, instead of taking that as a cue that I really didn't want to talk about it, I got a flippant response, which just served to annoy me.
How bout you find out a friend with whom you've shared a warm, if horribly strained and complicated friendship with has just died from the complications implicit in nearly bleeding to death... if that ever happens to you... then you go ahead and tell me how to feel.


Mabey she just wanted to get it out, which is understandable. But you must remember that there are real people on the other ends of these phone and cable lines. People who want to get inside someone elses head. People who wants to express curiosity. someone who wants to help

Someone who expresses their thoughts and feelings rather fully and will a full disclosure on a regular enough basis that it's clear that if they aren't talking about the nitty gritty details, it's because they already have, don't want to, or don't want to *right now*. You asking for more info wasn't helping.



People who care. That is why, and only why, I asked. Because I cared.

You asked because you were expressing curiosity. I told you how to satisfy that curiosity. Maybe you care... sure. But just because you care doesn't mean I have to accept that with all sorts of graciousness and open arms. My friend just died. Some people would use that as a vehicle for sympathy.... anyone who's read a little of what I say and knows just a *little* of how I feel about things knows that sympathy is *never* my goal when talking about my life in this forum.

I don't write in this journal for YOUR curiosity or want to get inside someone's head or your desire to 'be there' for someone you seem to think you know.
I write here for ME.
You're just a spectator.
That's all.

I'm not writing here to make you happy, satisfy your curiosity, or worry about your feelings.

Next time I'll remember to keep my fucking mouth shut. (I know thats what everyone wants anyway.)

That would probably be a good idea.



subliminalis
Feb. 15th, 2002 08:46 pm (UTC)
Re:
How bout you find out a friend with whom you've shared a warm, if horribly strained and complicated friendship with has just died from the complications implicit in nearly bleeding to death... if that ever happens to you... then you go ahead and tell me how to feel.

how dare you? you dont know me. and that is all you will ever know.

i wont be online again. replys are futile.
josh
maddening
Feb. 15th, 2002 09:22 pm (UTC)
well, just make me cry, why don't you.

Maybe you being banned from the internet will give you some time to expand your personality and stop relying on your lil online buddies to make you interesting.
maddening
Feb. 13th, 2002 01:48 pm (UTC)
Mabybe I just worded it wrong. It may have come off like I didnt really care about it, but I did. Why else would I take the time to ask? Just to be shot down for asking?

Something you'll learn if you take the time to is that when you offer something, it *never* has to be accepted.

Wether or not you *care* about it doesn't enter into it.

If one of my friends had just passed away whom I didnt particularly like, I probably wouldnt post it on my journal, and if I did, I wouldnt snap when someone asks 'how' it happened or what the story behind it is.I would explain that I either really don't want to go into it right now, or that they died in 'this particular way', etc.


First of all, you just proved you don't know shit about the situation. I never said I didn't like Sean. In fact, I've said several times that Sean was an excellent friend, just so unfortunately broken. I couldn't be around him, couldn't be a friend to him, because of that level of brokeness. That doesn't mean I didn't like him, didn't care about him and am not affected by his loss. To imply that is insulting. He wasn't someone who "passed away" ... he died. He killed himself. He did it intentionally. He did it with planning and forethought. He bled himself out *just right*... he wanted death.

Which rather COMPLICATES the grieving process.

If you don't talk about your life in your journal (and you don't) then of course you wouldn't post it there.

I'm glad that you're such an open and understanding and loving and caring and compassionate and level headed person. Kudos for you.
I happen to have these things called "emotions" and my emotions last night reacted to your question the way they did because, me being me (and the other people who read my journal seem to know this... so I don't think it's a big secret), if I don't give you more detail, it's because I'm not comfortable with doing so.
Comments like these from people like you remind me why I get frustrated with human interaction so often. They make me close up even more. They make me realize that it's a rare thing to find someone who actually *understands* you.

I'm glad that you laid out how YOU would have reacted in my situation (a situation you apparently don't understand, have only vague notions of, and could only really be in, with my feelings if you were me), but the fact of the matter is.... you aren't me... you haven't had the vast majority of your friends die off in one way or another over the past 10 years and you don't understand the complexity of emotion that crops up in situations like these.

Considering that you've never lived in my head and you don't know much of anything about me, and tend to misunderstand the things you *do* know, I doubt you have any clue how you would behave were you in my situation.

I never asked for your pity, sympathy, concern... and I certainly don't deserve this sad little explanatory missive with its off base characterization of me and my actions.

Just my point of view josh

And that was just mine.

subliminalis
Feb. 15th, 2002 08:42 pm (UTC)
Re:
I'm glad that you're such an open and understanding and loving and caring and compassionate and level headed person. Kudos for you. I happen to have these things called "emotions" and my emotions last night reacted to your question the way they did because, me being me (and the other people who read my journal seem to know this... so I don't think it's a big secret), if I don't give you more detail, it's because I'm not comfortable with doing so.

all of this could have been forgotten if you had just said that in the first place.

I'm glad that you laid out how YOU would have reacted in my situation (a situation you apparently don't understand, have only vague notions of, and could only really be in, with my feelings if you were me), but the fact of the matter is.... you aren't me... you haven't had the vast majority of your friends die off in one way or another over the past 10 years and you don't understand the complexity of emotion that crops up in situations like these.

you know nothing of my life. i'm going to leave it at that.

i'm in a rather good mood and i've been banned from the internet so unfortunatley i cannot read any replys you will make.

bye
josh
maddening
Feb. 15th, 2002 09:23 pm (UTC)
I didn't want it to be forgotten.
I wanted you to have some honesty.
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