A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

  • Mood:
Where oh where do I find really damned cool bandanas?
not the kind with the western motif
and nothin for a pocket flag either.
All I have a scarves.
And they're too thin... won't stay put on my head.

I need to start practicing this look.

Maybe I'll shave my head.

I'm morose. and hurt and bitter and scalded and ashamed and curled up in rage at myself and ready to rip and hurl and burn.
just fucking burn.
I am conflagarations.
I am censures.
I am ashes.
heh, wouldn't you know, it all comes back to the ashes.
I should eat them.
Eat the ashes.
So tom can die twice
I don't give a gaddam about the ashes.

I'm utterly pissed that this got left on me.
I'm utterly pissed that I can't talk about this without it all coming out wrong.
I'm utterly pissed that I feel the need to defend myself and the people involved.
I'm utterly pissed. PISSED AS HELL at death.

I'm just trying too much.. reaching too far.
trying soooo hard to be coherent and good for people.
trying soooooo hard.
too hard.
I can't do it.
I'm a loon.
I know this.
a few other people know this too
Those few people have me worried.
all two of them.
they've got me worried for completely different reasons and I'm just... nuts until I hear from them.. until I know it's all unfounded and pointless fear.
and I know that this is still not what is making me ill.
and I am ill.
in so many ways.
I hate admitting that.
but if you take the textbook definition of 'ill' .. Illness... an unhealthy condition of body or mind...
well, that's me in a nutshell, isn't it?
My body is just... failing me.
And my mind well, it's failing me just by being me, isn't it?

I'm just so angry because I'm so tired of being told that I am SO WRONG when I know right gaddamned well that I'm not.
Fuck fuck fuck

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