A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

I forgot what my journal was for again.

I realized last night I haven't talked about anything that's been on my mind in months.
Nothing that's been *really* getting to me.
And, guh .. what the hell... why haven't I? A feeling of dicomfort crept in. I know why and I know that I can't let it keep bothering me.
Because I *will* explode if I don't vent somewhere.
So, I'm either going to make my bitchings friends only to save them from people who say things like "you function with only a sperm clotted brainstem" or I'm going to put them in another journal I've had for quite awhile. I don't like dividing myself like that. But If I don't feel okay saying it here.. then I won't.
The problem comes in here with the friends list.
These are just the journals I read. Some of you I dig... some of you are just people. Some of you I get a good, trustworthy, maybe understanding (or at least not calling me a whiner) sort of vibe off of.. but others of you I just don't. And ya know.. some of you .. I may think I can trust.. but I just don't want you to know that much about me.

So I'm still puzzling this out.
I need to vent. Becuase I'm starting to withdraw again. And me sitting there on the phone with Chad, withdrawn after a day of not talking to anyone and losing myself in mindless busy work... and then finding that I have nothing to talk about?
Because all I could possibly talk about is how much my life sucks.
And I don't want to do that. I don't want to drag him down here too. So I say nothing. So he feels a distance that keeps growing. And I pretend it's not there.

That has to fucking stop.
That has to stop Immediately.
One of the things that will help me stop that is to vent off what I *can* so that it doesn't feel so opressive that I *can't* *talk* *about* *any* of it.
That happens, ya know.

So.. if the frequency of long angry posts goes up quite a bit... it doesn't mean that I'm in the middle of some sort of angry episode.
It just means I'm finally letting all this shit out that I've been bottling for too long again.

It's a need to. Not a want to.

This was by way of a lil warning.
Take me off your friends list, stop reading, do what ya gotta do.

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