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Mar. 16th, 2002

mmkay.. Kottonmouth Kings are just goofy lil fuckers.

That's my professional opinion.

I've found it's very difficult for me to just be purely happy for someone else and not jealous of their situation or resentful of the noise they make about their personal goodness.

It's not true of all situations or people.
But... sometimes.. I just can't deal with other people's happiness. Not in some sort of .. fucked up angsty gawther than thou way.
I just find that it gets under my skin in a bad way and I'm only able to be happy for you intellectually. I think most people have that problem and lie about it.
Or maybe I'm just projecting so I'm not alone in my selfish lil issues.
Hardly matters.

The fact is, that sometimes, its really hard to see other people (even people I honestly like) being happy and getting what they want.. especially when it seems so effortless.
It just serves to highlight my bullshit. My cute lil pile of bullshit life.

I've got ONE GOOD THING. It's 3,000 miles away. And the reality of that is thick and heady. So thick and so heady that it's hard to see past it. Very hard.
I'm good for it. I am that strong, and stronger.

But I can't jump up and down in glee or have a natural happy smile break on me from reading about so and so's goodness that just fell into their lap or hearing about how everything is just working out for so and so...
And I don't think that that makes me a particularly bad person.
I *could* be going out of my to shit on it. And ooooh yeah, I've had that urge. But I haven't.

I even miss the way Chad SNORES ferchrissakes.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 16th, 2002 01:22 am (UTC)
Probably this is just me but Dan is often on about how her life is pretty hard and she doesn't get what she wants and so on and so forth, yet we are sharing the same life and I get all this stuff I want... and she agrees that I do, despite the fact that most of what I want is what she wants.

I dunno, I just figure that if you look for what you want in life, rather than what you don't want, you are happier, I'm not saying you get it or anything and I am certainly not saying you become an easily pleased person (as many seem to think I am - my sister thinks Homer is based on me) ut you become happier as setbacks become fairly tediously boring to think about.

The only reason I say this is that I am from a pretty broke arse family and spent a lot of my life even more broke arse before fluking this stuff I do now, (to the point that my brother and sister have become total money whores) so maybe I have a little idea about what it is to be unfortunate, of course I may have just been to busy reading when I was broke arse to have noticed and only realise now so my thoughts on this could be more pointless than a non pointy thing.

anyhow I spellchecked this personally, just for you. How'd I do?

Oh btw if I made no sense here or had no relevance to your life, sorry - I know I do that sometimes.
Mar. 16th, 2002 09:07 am (UTC)
you... are such... a freak.

At times, the thing I am talking about could be seen as what you say.. glass half full or empty sort of thing.

But ... I dunno how to explain it, ya know?
And I've gotten over being afraid to be fallable and petty. Sometimes I'm just a rotten person ::shrug::
Mar. 16th, 2002 09:46 am (UTC)
Nah. Maybe slightly overripe, but certainly not rotten.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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