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My eyes are nearly swollen shut and they hurt. I'm actually thinking of taking a picture because, aside from the times it has been physically hit, I don't think my face has been this jacked up before.

I'm pretty confused.

Going to DC for the weekend and staying at Karl's house requires that I don't call Chad at all.. not until I'm back... because the prospect of me doing this scares the hell out of him and he's just very not happy about it.

I'm not allowed to NOT go, however, because that would make him feel like he forced me into it and therefore make him feel like total shit.

So, I can make him feel like shit.... oooooor.... I can make him feel like shit.

I am not supposed to talk to him until like.. Monday.
I've been told not to call.

That last goodbye was awfully final sounding. Very Very final sounding.
I know I was fucked up emotional at the time (and I still am) but I got the impression that that was a final goodbye.

I don't lie when I say I love someone. I don't just tell everyone I meet that I love them.
I love Chad a lot.

I'm just confused and very very hurt by all this.


So.
I'm going to go to DC on friday.
And I'm going to hang out with my sister and Karl and we're going to attempt to have fun.

And then, I guess... on Monday we'll see what we see.

I'm not actually this calm.
I'm not actually this sure or together.
I'm not actually sitting in this chair typing this.

I'm still sitting there on the phone, listening to the damned silence and wondering what the fuck just happened... and how and why and if I really did hear what I thought I heard.

My head hurts so incredibly much. I didn't eat anything today because I just knew I wouldn't keep it down. I feel like nothing that has come out of my mouth today has been heard or understood.
I feel pretty useless and broken and tired and baffled.
I feel like something I really wanted just broke into so many pieces

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