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I'm just really depressed


I have this huge need to write. I used to write so much. I don't know if anything I ever wrote was particularly good, but that wasn't what was important. It was the process of creation. That's the same reason why I love photography so much. No, I'm not creating something, I'm just documenting it. But the process is very similar.
The writing is just a snapshot of my brain in a lot of ways. Some flavor of wording that is in here, in me.

I'm pretty devistatingly sad.
Horribly sad.
Sadder than I've been in a long time.
I feel pretty empty. I feel like there is a part of me that I didn't know about until it was gone. And now there's this sense of loss.
This is outside of, beyond all the things with Chad.

I need to write again. I have this desperate need to make something. To do something. I walked around in those galleries and saw things of such simple, striking beauty... I want that vision.

It made me so happy to see it. It made me happy to be around it and in being around it and seeing it, to be of it.
But at the same time it made me feel so small.

Seeing Karl looking for compositions in the flow of people and seeing how he just needed to stop and take pictures... it was wonderful to see that in another person and know that it wasn't the contrived "oh look at me being artistic" vibe so many people give off.
Just looking around his house I can see the artistic temperament at work. I can see that he has eyes that know beauty.
It brought a lot of smiles to my face but it also made me sad.
Because in a lot of ways I think that I'm so lacking in that way. I think I have all the passion and none of the talent.

It's not always there, that feeling, but it's there often enough to be considered pervasive. And it's pervasive enough to be considered my norm.
One more thing not to like about me.

I hate my lack of confidence. I know where it comes from. I know all the WHYs of the thing... that just doesn't help.
I hate all this propping up I require. And I hate that I never fucking get it when I need it.
I hate feeling like a weak thing.
And I hate that I feel weak so often.

I hate that I have passions and needs that have no explanation.
And I hate that they so often run contrary to what everyone would have me want.

I want to be a people pleaser, but I'm just not built for it in the long term.
I'll always just dissapoint.

Ya know... sometimes I even hate my face. So expressive that it almost goes into the grotesque.
so bland that I'm nearly impossible to pick out of a crowd.

I am really not a happy girl.
and the fact that I can say "girl" with no hesitation speaks VOLUMES.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
frobisher
Apr. 16th, 2002 09:54 pm (UTC)
I'm not going to say much, because I don't think effusive praise is what you want or need.

What I'll say is:

Tonight while browsing books with friends in from out of town, I spotted "Fierce Invalids..." and said "That's a good book. My friend sent it to me because she thought I'd like it. Good book."

You do not disappoint me.
wrekehavoc
Apr. 17th, 2002 11:19 am (UTC)
thanks to the IRS, i had an epiphany this year. (believe it or not.)

for a long, long time, i just thought my need to write was just a little hobby. when i was growing up, everyone told me that's all it could be. besides, i thought that there were so many people out there who could write rings around me. it made me sad, and even helpless; and as i got sadder, i wrote less.

then, of course, i became morose because i wasn't writing at all. i hit a point (of course a complicated point, but we'll leave it at that for now) where i realized that it really didn't mean a rat's arse what other people thought of my writing; and it really shouldn't matter *to me* what anyone else should think of my writing. writing simply is something i need, like air or food or my daughter's smile. and so i write. (sometimes i even use correct grammar and punctuation and shit ;-)

and this year, when BS and i filled out our tax forms, i had to put down a profession. and my gig, when i am not a mom, is being a writer. so for the first time in my life, i put down that my profession is "writer." thank you, IRS, i s'pose.

anyway, i am sure things are more complicated than that (they were for me, to be sure), but somehow, you need to get over any nagging doubts and just write. *please yourself.* if you feel blocked, then why not check out some other creative outlet -- maybe something completely alien to your experience. this sounds incredibly weird, but when i had a terrible case of writer's block, i took up quilting. i am a shitty sewer -- a home ec reject, to be sure -- but i love the way you can compose colors and shapes and imagery with fabric. and it kicked my ass out of the creative hole i was buried in. just a thought, anyway.

i apologize if i am coming off at all preachy; i just recognize a fellow (female!) sufferer when i see one :-)
maddening
Apr. 17th, 2002 12:17 pm (UTC)
Do *all* of Karl's friends rock this much?

You aren't coming off preachy at all. Not at all. I can only learn things from what other people are willing to share.
It's odd... writing makes me want to take photos and photography makes me want to write. I think I'm just an expression whore. ::grin::

wrekehavoc
Apr. 17th, 2002 04:24 pm (UTC)
Re:
aw :) glad my tone didn't offend. i *am* a mom, you know, and i think i somehow developed a definite maternal attitude about life and people once i had my daughter - maybe it was implanted surgically when i wasn't looking, i dunno...

anyway, as far as all of karly warly's friends rockin' -- ask him about the mutual friend that introduced us, and he and i both will shudder ;-) (oh, is THAT a strange tale.) but a lot of his friends are definitely unique and intelligent people. i am just one of the older ones. i merely have to balance my parental duties with my, well, slightly off-kilter sensibilities. perhaps its part of my charm

anyway, clearly (to me, anyway), you are a creative and thoughtful person. the fact that you wanna "crosstrain" between photos and writing underscores that. people create and sense things in such different ways. as for me, i am musical and always have a soundtrack running in my head. (a bizarre and eclectic one. karl will attest.) i perpetually want to break out my keyboard constantly. it's just, er, different i guess. once i get a better handle on writing screenplays, i already know what sort of soundtrack i want for different scenes of my novel.

but i digress. (and in a most verbose fashion, i might add.) in short: write. take photos. dance a jig. whatever it is you wanna do. i often quote an old blues standard for explanation: "if momma ain't happy, then nobody's happy."

:-)
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