A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

I'm just really depressed


I have this huge need to write. I used to write so much. I don't know if anything I ever wrote was particularly good, but that wasn't what was important. It was the process of creation. That's the same reason why I love photography so much. No, I'm not creating something, I'm just documenting it. But the process is very similar.
The writing is just a snapshot of my brain in a lot of ways. Some flavor of wording that is in here, in me.

I'm pretty devistatingly sad.
Horribly sad.
Sadder than I've been in a long time.
I feel pretty empty. I feel like there is a part of me that I didn't know about until it was gone. And now there's this sense of loss.
This is outside of, beyond all the things with Chad.

I need to write again. I have this desperate need to make something. To do something. I walked around in those galleries and saw things of such simple, striking beauty... I want that vision.

It made me so happy to see it. It made me happy to be around it and in being around it and seeing it, to be of it.
But at the same time it made me feel so small.

Seeing Karl looking for compositions in the flow of people and seeing how he just needed to stop and take pictures... it was wonderful to see that in another person and know that it wasn't the contrived "oh look at me being artistic" vibe so many people give off.
Just looking around his house I can see the artistic temperament at work. I can see that he has eyes that know beauty.
It brought a lot of smiles to my face but it also made me sad.
Because in a lot of ways I think that I'm so lacking in that way. I think I have all the passion and none of the talent.

It's not always there, that feeling, but it's there often enough to be considered pervasive. And it's pervasive enough to be considered my norm.
One more thing not to like about me.

I hate my lack of confidence. I know where it comes from. I know all the WHYs of the thing... that just doesn't help.
I hate all this propping up I require. And I hate that I never fucking get it when I need it.
I hate feeling like a weak thing.
And I hate that I feel weak so often.

I hate that I have passions and needs that have no explanation.
And I hate that they so often run contrary to what everyone would have me want.

I want to be a people pleaser, but I'm just not built for it in the long term.
I'll always just dissapoint.

Ya know... sometimes I even hate my face. So expressive that it almost goes into the grotesque.
so bland that I'm nearly impossible to pick out of a crowd.

I am really not a happy girl.
and the fact that I can say "girl" with no hesitation speaks VOLUMES.
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