A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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I'm just a ball of lustiness today.
no, really.
the coffee tastes good and I want gallons more.
The bread is good and I want to eat the whole loaf.
The hug I got this morning was pretty fucking awesome and I wanted to like... pin him in the house all day so he couldn't go to work and he would be forced to just stay there and hug me all day.

I think I kind of like this weather. This overcast, just a little chilly weather.

I'm getting really tired of this lingering cold.

I can't go look at Chad's fucking journal anymore.
It just annoys me in this general sort of way. Mainly because there were all these things I didn't have the patience to sit around and say and I guess in his attempt to not be hurt by anything he's acting like nothing is wrong.
I at least had the decency to not pretend.
It feels like this weird little slap in the face.
I'm glad he's not flipping out (at least not outwardly, in public flipping out anyway) , but at the same time, I thought I deserved some honesty.

Hehe.. which is where I always go wrong.
It's not about deserving. If that were the case, I wouldn't be all discontent and bitter over relationships in general.
I would have already gotten the things I needed and wanted.

Right now, I'm pretty torn.
There is this energizer bunny portion of me that just wants more and more. Wants to keep trying.
And then there is this other part that is pretty sure that it's all just a string of lost causes.

I think what I have to do is, when I find myself liking someone, go away, not talk to them for awhile, and then come back and see if it's still there.
I'm too easily led into feelings that arent really mine just through the repitition of someone's presence.

Karl showed me Nadja last night. About halfway through I told him I wanted to do something dirty to the cinematographer as a thank you. It was absolutely gorgeous.
Take away the smirking, self referential, smart dialogue (and the dialogue is usually the thing that has to be there for me) and it's STILL just a wonderful film. Just for the way it looks.
absolutely gorgeous.

Anyway, Renfield at one point says that Love is like Rabies.
It's funny, but it's true.

Too many bitter things I've found myself nodding along with of late.
Because I'm discontent.

And ya know, I refuse to take the blame for the Chad thing.
I do.
I was all prepared to do it, but I just realized that, no, I don't take the blame. It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't his fault.
I'm sorry that I happened to him.
I'm sorry that he happened to me.
I think we would have both been better off without it.
Especially considering the way he's currently talking... it certainly seems like he's happy that it's behind him.

Hmmm.. I'm just babbling about this.
I don't want to bore the fuck out of my people with listening ears but I need to like.. spew out all this circular logic bullshit and work out exactly how I feel here.

I'm glad it's over.
I did the right thing..

That should be enough knowledge right there, shouldn't it?
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