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Apr. 30th, 2002

I've been overly emotional and depressed the last couple days.
I just spent about an hour being overly emotional and depressed at Karl on the phone.
I'm pretty fucking frustrating to talk to when I feel like this. I'm the most cynical cynic, the bleakest person you've ever met. I know it's frustrating. I know it's hard to deal with when I'm bursting into tears every 5 minutes and *berating* myself for doing it when I know I'm just in need of venting.
I know I just need to get it the hell out.
I just need to cry.
Anyone who has ever dealt with me in that mood, and really, there haven't been but a few of you, I appreciate it, I pity you for your heart, and I love you for your patience.

My mom has learned how to deal with this.
She just now said "what's wrong, sweetheart?"
and I said "I'm just all ::frownyface::" and she just hugged me and moved on.

It's the safest way, really. ::grin::
I want to explode and have a tide of people come console me. Until I think about the people who actually accomplish that... and how much I hate it... and then I never want to let anyone know that I have an emotion ever again.

I'm not the cold little freak I was when I was 16, but I'm not the open and easy going emotionally mature person I've been told I could be
I'm sorry when I inflict my conflicts on the rest of you and I'm sorry when I keep it to myself.
I'm happy when I can manage emotional honesty without making myself kind of sick and I'm depressed when all I seem to be doing is whining.

It's a weird line to walk.

Thanks, Karl.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
mjfgates
Apr. 30th, 2002 09:14 pm (UTC)
...gotta say, I approve of this "karl" person.
redherring
May. 1st, 2002 11:06 am (UTC)
Feel free to just tell me this is none of my damn business, and I'll never mention it again. But have you considered mood stabilizing meds? When I was a kid, I had epilepsy and my doctor put me on Depakane (sp?), which both decreases the likelihood of seizures and stabilizes mood. My mom told me recently that my teachers actually commented on how happier I seemed, and they didn't know I was on medication. More recently, I saw a psychiatrist, and he prescribed Depakote, which has similar properties to Depakane, and it's made my mood swings much more bearable. Plus, since it's also a migraine med, I haven't had the slightest headache since I've been on it.
maddening
May. 1st, 2002 02:32 pm (UTC)
I've certainly considered it.
Even when I'm not going through emotional things, PMS is a period of extreme mood fluctuation and depression, more than I think is "normal" for most people.
I'm pretty sure I would be generally happier and it would help out the general malaise/lack of motivation/generally hopeless thing I go through from time to time as well and I have the intention of seeing what I can see about it, as soon as I'm on something approaching a decent health plan and my money is a lil more stable.

Right at the moment, it's just not economically feasible. But it's definitely been on my mind.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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