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Apr. 30th, 2002

I've been overly emotional and depressed the last couple days.
I just spent about an hour being overly emotional and depressed at Karl on the phone.
I'm pretty fucking frustrating to talk to when I feel like this. I'm the most cynical cynic, the bleakest person you've ever met. I know it's frustrating. I know it's hard to deal with when I'm bursting into tears every 5 minutes and *berating* myself for doing it when I know I'm just in need of venting.
I know I just need to get it the hell out.
I just need to cry.
Anyone who has ever dealt with me in that mood, and really, there haven't been but a few of you, I appreciate it, I pity you for your heart, and I love you for your patience.

My mom has learned how to deal with this.
She just now said "what's wrong, sweetheart?"
and I said "I'm just all ::frownyface::" and she just hugged me and moved on.

It's the safest way, really. ::grin::
I want to explode and have a tide of people come console me. Until I think about the people who actually accomplish that... and how much I hate it... and then I never want to let anyone know that I have an emotion ever again.

I'm not the cold little freak I was when I was 16, but I'm not the open and easy going emotionally mature person I've been told I could be
I'm sorry when I inflict my conflicts on the rest of you and I'm sorry when I keep it to myself.
I'm happy when I can manage emotional honesty without making myself kind of sick and I'm depressed when all I seem to be doing is whining.

It's a weird line to walk.

Thanks, Karl.


May. 1st, 2002 02:32 pm (UTC)
I've certainly considered it.
Even when I'm not going through emotional things, PMS is a period of extreme mood fluctuation and depression, more than I think is "normal" for most people.
I'm pretty sure I would be generally happier and it would help out the general malaise/lack of motivation/generally hopeless thing I go through from time to time as well and I have the intention of seeing what I can see about it, as soon as I'm on something approaching a decent health plan and my money is a lil more stable.

Right at the moment, it's just not economically feasible. But it's definitely been on my mind.


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