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May. 2nd, 2002

I feel so much better, but I'm still mostly deaf.
I didn't wake up with my eyes weeping and itching like I have for the last several days (I thought it might be conjunctivitis, but it never really ached and itched the way that pink eye will cause), which tells me that it probably really was just the difference between air/dust/cat hair/smells/so forth in Karl's house and in mine.
I don't feel sick anymore, but my ears are still all clogged up and I don't know what is going to make them better. They pop constantly, which is a good sign. I just wish they'd hurry it the hell up.
Dosing up on dayquil and nyquil was a good idea.
I'm supposed to put together this thing for my mom, but before that, I'm supposed to go shopping with her.
I don't know if I have the motivation to actually go amoungst people today.
That is sometimes an issue.

I'm not agoraphobic, I'm not full of social anxiety. I really enjoy being out and amoungst people. If I had my druthers, I'd leave the house in the morning and come back in time to take care of a few chores and go to bed on a hell of a lot more frequent basis. I just sometimes feel odd and disconnected from things in a way that makes it really difficult to interact with the world at large. It's always something I can just push myself through. Not really being able to hear very well right now makes it worse because I already feel seperated, bubbled off.
I think it's all just residual shyness, self esteem issues from childhood.
I never talked unless I absolutely had to. I didn't anyone to look at me, focus on me, notice me. I've gotten a lot better, but I still sometimes feel the need to hide behind the people I'm out with, not talk, have them talk for me.
Screwed up? Yes I am.

Just another reason why I think going and seeing a shrink would be a good idea just as soon as I can.
Not that I think I can't deal with these things on my own.
I just think that it might be better if I had some help, encouragement, a plan.

This is just me rambling. These are things I don't usually talk about. I think they become self-evident (or, well, they used to... I dunno how I present now) from spending a little time around me. I mouse up. I mumble my answers. I can't look waiters in the eye.
People with social confidence shock and confound me.
When I'm not in a place of seperation, my social confidence shocks and confounds me.

There was a period of time where all these things weren't issues. There was a period of time when I was the most confident person I knew. It's just been worn down again for awhile. I'll get it back. It's all just a process.
Baby steps ::grin::

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