A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

  • Mood:
Sleep deprivation has recently decided to kick my ass. Kick it hard and long and in nothing resembling a kinky way.
We're talking merely parochial here.

I dunno if I want to keep downloading music or just give up the ghost and go to bed for the night considering that I'm in the most bizarre mood. Not exactly bad. Not exactly good either. I'm kind of... cranky with a grin... Smiling but fingering a gun, just waiting for an excuse.
I can't get comfortable in my chair. The cat keeps yawning in unison with me.
I know that I should really just try to sleep. I've probably gotten to a point where I can accomplish it, but there's still this left over from age 20 part of me that feels like this is just the start of the stay-up. It feels like this is the point where I would normally go for a long walk in the chilly night and head back around 3 in the morning more away, more centered and calm minded. And then veg out on repititious viewings of Fear and Loathing and Where the Buffalo Roam (the classic, man) until the sun came up.
Then make breakfast and a huge pot of coffee and read all morning and pace and walk and grin at myself and compose and write and take pictures and feel artistic and alive and disconected and whole and broken.

But I'm not 20.
Jay pissed me off tonight.
Simply by leaving. Which is a bad sign in a way... but one that I'm not reading too much into, given my state of mind at the moment.
He annoyed me by telling me he'd rather not hear about Jason. That isn't a shock, is it? Jason was a shit. Jay got to hear all too much about Jason while I was with Jason.
But I dunno.
It's this weird story that doesn't make a lot of sense in its weirdness unless you have the backstory... and if anyone does have that backstory, it's Jay.

It's not important. But I forgot about Jay's bluntness. Heh.. I think I got used to people trying to be more artful and roundabout in their dealings with me.

SO it's good. Even though it annoyed me.
I think.
I'm pretty sure.

I dunno.
what the hell do I know about good anyway? Look at what I've done with my life the past year.

I need a good long sleep with someone's hand resting on my hip and a chest to press my back against.
No relationship, no deep and meaningful looooooove thing.
Just a little physical comfort for my sleep.

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