A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

I keep noticing things.


I noticed last night the lil snowmen. One a girl, one a boy, with "Holly" and "Chad" on their bellies.
I noticed the lil alien guy in the wizard robe.
The monkey stuffed animals.
The antennae toppers.
The baseball and the weird "Holly" talking dog thing.

I notice these things and they make me angry. On several levels.
First of all, they're these reminders that smack me in the face with how invested and involved I was. They remind me how into all this I felt. How sure I was. And I always have to wonder if I just... lost interest... or if I was really pushed to it.
I have to wonder a little wether or not this was a breakdown with me+ him, just me, him, us, what....

And then, I get angry at the fact that he showed me real effort, the best of him, really trying *after* I was so pissed and tired and angry and already had mostly given up. He didn't try until I was already most of the way out the door and certainly by then it was too little too late.

And I also get pissed because I realize now what he meant when he said that he was going to "go away" if we broke up.
He didn't mean he'd disappear from my view or make it hard for me to find him, he meant HE WOULD CHANGE. Or at least this is my view on things at the moment. He just meant that he wouldn't be "him". Or that he would be a different "him"
And that makes me cast seriously different eyes toward everything that went before.

I duno. I'm just so pissed off and hurt and annoyed by all this. Still am. Probably will be for awhile.

Men in my life .. it's just a *bad* idea.
DESPITE the fact that I'm an incredibly loving person and I'm very much someone who will go so far out of my way to make people I care about happy... it's never ever reciprocated. It's never returned. Not really. And I hate to say this because of how it comes off... but.. It's never ENOUGH.
I've just needed more.
So men in my life give me unrealistic expectations. They make me want. And then they fail to deliver.

I should have followed my sister's advice when I was in junior high and just become a lesbian.
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