A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

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Ever have one of those times when you act like a raging nutbag and you inflict in on people who really don't deserve it?
I do.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone literally clutch their head like that before.

I have issues. Some of them are really valid, long term, and at a level now where you can tell I've been dealing with them for awhile and we're at a ... resolved sort of stage in things.
But some of them aren't. Some of them are these wild, short term, insecure, neurotic babblings. Those are the ones that give me shit and make me cry and make me do things like the "everyone's tired and really needs to sleep so let's talk!" talk.
It's never a good thing.

I'm not exactly sure what last night was about. I think ... I think that was just.. frustration, dissatisfaction... annoyance... That was just expression about the general state of affairs in my life and how it suck suck sucks.
I've never before in my life been this needy. Never. And I really really hate it.
So I'm a bit of a freak right now. I'm really whiney and wanty... but I'm also super quick to damn myself for wanting.

Aaaaaand I'm a hormonal fruitcake.
So I started crying AT DINNER last night.
And it more or less continued for the next couple hours.

I can't really do anything about it now. But jeeeeze I wish I were better at stopping myself from getting into no win crying jags and introspective moments when someone else is involved.
Becuase I try to explain how I feel, and why and it comes out backward or slanted wrong. They ask questions, and I realize how wrong what I said was and I try to fix it and it just gets worse.. and that keeps going until I realize that I meant to say something like "I just really need a hug" and it ended up coming out "I know that you and all your friends and all the people you've ever known all hate me"....
SO yeah.

Oh... and stubborness gets me nowhere.
Why can't I remember that?
It gets me NO WHERE.
Stupid pride games. Sure, pride is good. I think so anyway. But when you're too attached to your pride to take what you need when it's offered.... you go without and pride offers you nothing.

And Karl proved once again that stressed out, short tempered, and impatient though he may be at the moment, he's probably the most understanding person I've ever met. And if I hadn't been one of the people sitting there, I would have thought the clutching the head thing was really really funny.
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