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Jun. 10th, 2002

I'm bored.
Already still and always.

I did something strange to my neck while I slept last night... Not sure what. I just know that the muscles on the right side that run down into my neck feel like I was stabbing at the spot with the pestle from a green marble mortar and pestle set last used years ago to grind dragons blood crystals and therefore rendering it unusable for anything other than dragons blood crystals due to the extreme ground-in stinkiness of said crystals.
Or uh ... something similar.

I saw Dan for a bit today and tried to do a sum-up, recap kind of thing for him but ended up rambling on about several key things having to do with my 3 weeks in DC and leaving out a lot of other stuff.
So it will be another "Oh yeah, this happened to.." thing for weeks until the subject is exhausted. He hates that sort of thing.
He will deal.
He told me he thinks I look different. I don't see how he would be able to *see* the things that are different, but maybe it's just in my bearing. Things *are* different. I learned some things, mostly about me, some about other people, and even a little about general human interaction.
Yes, this sounds super cheesy. But it's true. It really is true.
Talking to Chuck face to face a little made me realize that I've... changed. I hesitate to call it growing up, but I guess that would be appropriate. Growing *out* maybe (and no, I don't mean in a physical sense) would be more appropriate. I'm just a little more broad in my knowledge of things external and internal. And that was a really lovely realization. It took confrontation with that lil bit of my past for it to hit me.
At the same time, I realized that the things with Chad didn't break me or break those parts of me that I thought it had. I'm not bitter toward him. I'm not angry. I'm also not horribly happy and bubbling over about him, but that's certainly not the same thing as actual bitterness. And I was *very* bitter.
I'm not over everything. I'm not on the look out for another relationship. I'm not ready for that, hoping for it, or even considering it. But I know I could deal with it if it were plopped down in front of me right now.
I worked out for myself some of my ambivelance about Karl. Of course, it took saying everything backward and strange and making Karl clutch his head and sigh heavily a lot when he really should have been sleeping and then realizing I should just shut up and do my own thinking instead of handing it over to him and hoping he'd fix it.
And realizing that was a big part of working out the wishy washy-ness.
And that's a big part of realizing that I'm improved for all the bullshit of the past couple years of my life.
Yes, it's been a couple years.
Since Tom died. Up until Tom died there was still a person in the world who knew me as well as I did and since he's been gone I've had a hard time understanding myself. Like...since there wasn't someone to do the crosswords with me, I forgot the language.
He was my center, my library, lexicon, big reference book. He was like the big red and white striped pole all american kids picture being stuck into the snowy center at the top of the world. I was pretty lost without it.
The past couple years of my dumbfuckery have been me trying to reteach myself the language of Me.
It's been a pretty shakey process. But, well, I'm hopeful that it's going well.
I feel better right now than I have in a long long time. Just about me in general.
And it's got nothing to do with some guy flinging me attention, professing love, promising me a world he can't give...
It's just me.

My introspection is so bland. ::smirk::

Everyone should read Nicole Blackman.
Blood Sugar, go buy it now.
Especially you, subbes. There were a few poems there that I wanted to type up and send to you specifically. I think you will honestly appreciate it.
Yes, it's poetry.. but it's *good* poetry.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
kaeren
Jun. 10th, 2002 07:58 pm (UTC)
bland is definitely not the right word
mmm. actually i feel like i learned a lot about you in this post. :) you are one rad lady
maddening
Jun. 10th, 2002 09:41 pm (UTC)
Re: bland is definitely not the right word
awwww...
mjfgates
Jun. 10th, 2002 11:57 pm (UTC)
"gland"?
"brand"? "eland"? "blond"? (no, no, that's not it...) "blank"? (no, no...) "bean'd"? (depends on if she had the chili, I guess)

Well, there's "blunt," which fits, but it's two letters off.

maddening
Jun. 11th, 2002 08:14 am (UTC)
Re: "gland"?
noo.. she meant "rad", ass.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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