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The brain

is firing and clicking and stalling and whirring around and I know .. I KNOW it is going to spill. It's going to spill something fierce. Where and when I do not know.
I've got my suspicions. Gotta make it spill where it will count.
I've got people here who are playing this game with me. Where they just keep assuming about me. And when I try to correct it, it just adds fuel to their fires of misconception. So I'm left mute. Chop off my hands, cut off my tongue, talk shit about me without knowing enough and then assume that because I'm not saying and doing all the right things to change your mind about me, that it must all be true.
That you are the king of perception and that you've seen right through to the heart of it.

The hell of it is, I've got mere aqquaintances doing it too. People who have thus far been only words... only capable of being mildly convinced of their existence in any sort of concrete and tactile way. They're all too wiling to put me in a box and slap on the lid. Pat and taken care of. All wrapped up.

pisses me off, yes it does.

Makes me want to shake people, yes it does.

But more than that, it makes me want to give up on them. Kick them right on out. Take a big eraser, a bottle of white out, a pressure washer.... make them not exist.

Of course, I won't do that. I don't give up on people too often.
maybe I should look into that.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 18th, 2001 01:03 pm (UTC)
Blows goats it does...
Thats probably one of the most annoying things about 'people'. I almost wish I were psychic so I could bitch slap each and every one of them that was doing that, before they exhibited it.

But, its even more annoying when there's people I could have sworn were smarter than to do that to anyone. Then their arrogance shows through and I start to realize they're about as good for me as every other of those 'people' and it just makes me angry that I didn't see it. They start assuming I'm one of the double talkers.

Do what I say, say what I mean, and if I wanna tell someone to fuck off... I need to start doing that.
May. 18th, 2001 02:50 pm (UTC)
difficult problem it is...
that's always some tough stuff -- I mean there's a few different brands of this problem -

1 - you've got your assuming smug pricks who think they've seen it all -- they can categorize your actions and reactions with all the other examples of reaction or action x that they've seen -- these ones are the worst -- usually they're older, though -- usually you can see these ones coming and you avoid them like the monkey b virus

2 - then you've got friends that think they've known you long enough to assume -- this one's tough because oftentimes they're well-meaning, they're just not listening -- sometimes it's just a matter of them making the time and putting in the brain-effort -- other times it's a matter of friend-territoriality ("I know her better than you do, Fredrica the Blind"). Like I said, this one's tough because it can be dealt with, it's justa matter of how much you want to put into it and how many chances you'll give them -- their maturity level is important, to -- I have to consider the Buddha saying "if when walking on your path you come across one who is not as wise or wiser than you are, keep walking" -- this saying can be interpreted a few ways of course... I have a friend or two that make assumptions like this, but I'm lucky enough not to care -- I just don't listen to them much and hang for fun

3 - THEN you've got your burgeoning psychologists - this is a fucking plague on our generation -- it's hard to blame most of our friends for this one, though, because it's almost unavoidable and it seems to be a part of growing up for most of us -- IRONIC that I'm writing about this, no? That's the thing, I'm kind of defending my way of childish life here. Most of the time, I'm listening to my firends and trying to let them explain themselves without my mind butting in, but sometimes it does. Usually, my friends give me the boot to the head that I need it, though. If they didn't I wouldn't be worth it. If I did it all the time, I wouldn't be worth it...

Stuff, I dunno -- I'm bored at work -- Have to say stuff...

As our asthmatic friend points out though (hi-hi), you've got that double-talk assumption -- if someone assumes that you're a 24-7 double talker and you're not, then they're a double-talker -- plain and simple -- the beauty of these folks is that they don't know shit and it's obvious - I know -- I've been there. I have sucked the cock of assumtion and falsehood -- it has sprayed its baby batter upon me and I have liked it. No longer though -- if that shit got on me again, I'd grab its nuts and be like "Hey, Cock, suck yourself!" Then I'd like... punch it. Yeah .. Yeah -- PUNCH it! YEah -- Uh huh huhhuhhuh --

May. 18th, 2001 03:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, and By the Way
I've got you ALL figured out. I think I'm going to explain my theories on you to ALL of my friends too! You're SO tranparent -- like an open book even! You see, I took psych 101 AND 201 -- I know all about Frued and the ANAL stage! He did cocaine, you know... He knew some guy named Jung that wrote some things about existence. The there was Neechee -- we can talk about him after I examine you at a COFFEE HOUSE.
I have a goat-tee -- It's stained with GOAT CHEESE!
May. 18th, 2001 03:59 pm (UTC)
Re: Oh, and By the Way
.... You just want to be able to say "penis envy" over and over and over.
That's why freud did talked about it so much.
May. 18th, 2001 04:13 pm (UTC)
May. 18th, 2001 03:58 pm (UTC)
Re: difficult problem it is...
I'm dealing with people who seem to be this cocky mixture of all of those.
They're smug and convinced of their own brilliance, they're unwilling to admit that they might not know everything about me and they're just *sure* that they have the names and ways of all my neurosis memories and ready for regurgitation.
They may couch it all in the free and easy language of just a friend, giving an opinion but it's all just the same old fucking over simplificatio of a person.
When you try to widdle someone down to a stereotype or label then you know you're being a cocksmoker.
Anytime "he's just a..." precedes one of your sentences you're being a reductionist pea brain who needs to be spanked.
*Especially* when you were just the week before gushing at said person about how hard it was to get inside their head.

Why do people do this? Why do they *want* people to be transparent? Is it just so they can feel complex in comparison? Or is it because they know that *they* are so easily defined and want everyone to be afflicted with the same simplicity?
May. 18th, 2001 04:24 pm (UTC)
I still maintain that it can take time with lots of people that are worth it (it's hard to avoid generalities, either one grows out of them or they don't, but I think most people go through that phase of being a peabrain -- hehheh -- I just generalized =8-)), ALTHOUGH, if you're dealing with this:

"*Especially* when you were just the week before gushing at said person about how hard it was to get inside their head." -- that's kinda gay (in the eighties, non-sexual-orientation sense). Ugh. Poo.

You're guess is as good as mine as to why they wish for transparency in others -- maybe it has something to do with too many hours watching sit-coms as well...

If ya trust 'em, ya trust 'em, if ya don't ya don't -- we'll learn by fucking it up over and over again... as a great man once said, "don't let the bastards get to you"

Fuck -- I gotta get away from this advising tone -- sorry -- my woman was just telling me the other day about being on the comforting side rather than the advisory might be a good idea for me...

[insert comforting remark here]



May. 18th, 2001 04:31 pm (UTC)
Re: hrm
I think my greatest sin has been expectation.
I keep expecting things.
Gotta cut that crap out.

But I have cookies now.
May. 18th, 2001 06:18 pm (UTC)
Re: hrm
I *had* cookies... but then the kids took most of 'em and ate them.

They do things like that.
May. 18th, 2001 06:20 pm (UTC)
Re: hrm
Expectation is a dirty word. It fucks up a lot of good things. Just go in and take it as it comes if ya don't like it or don't feel it is worth it just stick it in a box and mail it to Santa Claus cuz that bastard knows what he is doing. I mean for christs sake the man knows you by name and whether or not you are naughty or nice. That in and of itself quailifies him deification in my book. Also anyone who can survive as many years as he has being as fat as he is has got to be at least a guitar god of some sort.

So like I was saying don't expect anything but if you insist on expecting anyways at least be smart enough to lower your expectations to the point where it is damn near impossible to be disappointed in anyone. It has certainly worked for me over the years. I don't think I would have met any of the losers I call friends if I had held any expectations of what I thought they should be. Kind of works on the gut instinct you were talkingabout as well. Always listen when it says jump. I mean no one ever does listen 100% of the time and hell sometimes when you do listen you get screwed any way but it helps out when things do go wrong. You've got something to blame that won't fight back when you realize you jumped in feet first into something that your rational mind would have been screaming bloody murder about you not doing, like say when your gut tells you that you could surivie the fall into the pit of molten hot magma you can just blame your gut instincts for being wrong when you are incinerated rather than yourself for not listening to common sense which was probably advising you against the perilous fall into the pit of liquid hot magma. But whatever you choose to blame or place responsibility for your actions on you have to live with the results either way.

So anyway I started ramblimg on there and have lost track of what I was trying to say originally. So I am going to tahiti case my gut instinct right now is to run for fear of retribution as a result of my current rramblings.
May. 18th, 2001 03:06 pm (UTC)
And just think, you wouoldn't havce this problem if you, er, weren't you.


Don't hurt me, I'm just a little girl.
May. 18th, 2001 03:59 pm (UTC)
Explain thyself.
May. 18th, 2001 04:04 pm (UTC)
I can't, I'm not making any point. i'm just commenting because I want you to pay attention to me.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )


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