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Jul. 8th, 2002

I miss people I've no right to miss.
I'm sleepy. I want coffee. But at the same time I just want to sleep. Now. Right now.

I think it's boredom that does it.
Boredom and the fuzzy bunnies.

This was the good thing about dating someone who was unemployed. He was *always* around to talk to.
That was, in a way, also a bad thing.

"the angels all have guns now
the angels aren't anyone you'd want to pray to"

I'm disjointed tonight. double jointed.
I can do that thing where ya bend only the first knuckle of your hand. You know that thing... the rest of the finger is straight, but that one portion bends and looks really unnatural because people only do that when they're trying to gross you out.
I keep looking at the ring on my index finger. The moonstone in the setting I really adore. It reminds me of the amber ring I got when I was 17 and wore all that year to school and when I graduated, that summer at that pagan festival thing.. that gathering of the tribes thing... that's when I met Will.
Just a few months later he stole that ring and then lost it.
He thought it was funny.

He was the beginning of the end of my patience with people. He wanted a wife. And he wanted a mommy. And he wanted them to be the same person.
He was sick and broken.
And knowing that he was not intelligent, not kind, not beautiful minded, not sweet, and not interested in me other than for what I could give him... and what he could take... I stayed.
I hung around. I cared and took care of him and gave a shit... because I was the only person who ever had. Really. he's the only one I've ever believed that about.
Because I knew his family.
They were monsters. All of them. And I knew his "friends"... those idiots he played rpgs with had arguments about game versions with and who snickered behind his back about him. Those people who rolled their eyes and scoffed and mocked until he was back in the room and then it was all smiles.
I kind of hated those people.
When I was frustrated at him, he knew it. When I was hurt, he knew it. There wasn't a reaction I hid at all. I didn't know that that's how people in relationships worked. I didn't know that it was suppsed to be all unspoken games and bullshit and bitten tongues and waiting.
Looking back on it.. it was really liberating to not know any better.
And it was liberating knowing that no matter how much I screamed, how angry I got, how much he frustrated and hurt me.. how much I told him or didn't tell him and how raw and honest I got about my very very fucked up emotions (because I was *really* fucked up when I was 17, 18, 19 years old... *really* fucked up) I knew that he would never walk out on me. And I knew he would still need me.
And I knew that he was still more fucked up than me and always would be.

It's a pretty disgusting situation to be in. Especially when you take as much comfort in it as I did.
two and a half years of bile and discontent and laying there being fucked by someone I mostly hated, but still needed.

I think I'll read some more Nicole Blackman. Download a few more songs. And then I'll go to bed and see if I can manage waking up before the day is too hot for the birds to have stopped singing.

Comments

mjfgates
Jul. 8th, 2002 09:45 pm (UTC)
It's not "supposed to be," it just is for a lot of people. Things actually work better without all the bullshit, at least once you both know for sure that each other are worthwhile. (Admittedly, that part takes a few years.)
maddening
Jul. 8th, 2002 10:42 pm (UTC)
well, that's sort of what I meant..
not the ideal that most people never attain, but the truth of how people are. After awhile, that becomes how it's "supposed to be".

I know it's not really but ... it's the difference between the ideal and the reality.

That's all.

mjfgates
Jul. 8th, 2002 11:54 pm (UTC)
Yeah, well, I like the ideal.

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