A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

There is more grease splattered all over my damned kitchen than I thought was possible.
Fried chicken for the parents (the kind you soak in buttermilk and cook in a cast iron skillet... *real* fried chicken) fried green tomatoes for me. Just the tomatoes and some fresh coleslaw-ish salad.. and it was soooooo good.

I kind of hit a wall today. When people make me feel bad, I'm going to stop talking to them. I'm really tired of waking up in a fine mood, talking to a couple people and staying in a fine mood and then having a conversation that just serves to make me feel like shit.
It's happened the last three days straight. Too many people have a place in my life. Too many people have felt free to offload their concerns here ("here" meaning "me") and I've just been crushed by it all.
Slowly over the last couple years it's gotten to be too much. I used to think that by being the person people came to for comfort and for assurance and trust and love and money and pep talks and a place to sleep and music and books and any number of things that I was made *more*. That by providing those things for people I was somehow... enriched. I think that for awhile I was. But at some point, it only served to diminish me. It made me less.

And ya know, I've been thinking way too much the last couple months about being 24 years old and unloved and unfulfilled. I've been wanting something extraordinary and romantic to come along to make everything else in my life easier. Not make it go away .. but just make it easier to deal with. I've always depended on other people to make me feel good about me because I've never been capable of doing it myself. There are reasons. Lots of reasons.. but at this point in my life they're just excuses.

So I've been putting all this focus on love and relationships. Someone who is incredibly dear to me has been telling me to cut it out, that it isn't important, that that crap isn't what I need right now and I've been more or less telling him he's wrong.
But he's right. He's very right (always right, ya know). A relationship right now would only allow me to hide behind someone again, to fold myself up in their protection and ignore all these people around me who make me feel HORRIBLE about myself.
I can't do that.
I have to let the irritants keep irritating until I do something about it.
And besides that, who the hot holy *hell* would I date right now? Who would be good for me? Who would actually NOT just fuck me up some more?
No one I know.

I'm really just done .. I'm done with people making me feel like shit in one way or another.
If you aren't bringing good things to my life then you don't need to be in it. I'm an incredibly generous person. Those who know me well know this about me. I will give you absolutely everything I have to give.
Apparently I'm giving some people too much.
That's going to stop.

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