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Jul. 16th, 2002

There is more grease splattered all over my damned kitchen than I thought was possible.
Fried chicken for the parents (the kind you soak in buttermilk and cook in a cast iron skillet... *real* fried chicken) fried green tomatoes for me. Just the tomatoes and some fresh coleslaw-ish salad.. and it was soooooo good.




I kind of hit a wall today. When people make me feel bad, I'm going to stop talking to them. I'm really tired of waking up in a fine mood, talking to a couple people and staying in a fine mood and then having a conversation that just serves to make me feel like shit.
It's happened the last three days straight. Too many people have a place in my life. Too many people have felt free to offload their concerns here ("here" meaning "me") and I've just been crushed by it all.
Slowly over the last couple years it's gotten to be too much. I used to think that by being the person people came to for comfort and for assurance and trust and love and money and pep talks and a place to sleep and music and books and any number of things that I was made *more*. That by providing those things for people I was somehow... enriched. I think that for awhile I was. But at some point, it only served to diminish me. It made me less.

And ya know, I've been thinking way too much the last couple months about being 24 years old and unloved and unfulfilled. I've been wanting something extraordinary and romantic to come along to make everything else in my life easier. Not make it go away .. but just make it easier to deal with. I've always depended on other people to make me feel good about me because I've never been capable of doing it myself. There are reasons. Lots of reasons.. but at this point in my life they're just excuses.

So I've been putting all this focus on love and relationships. Someone who is incredibly dear to me has been telling me to cut it out, that it isn't important, that that crap isn't what I need right now and I've been more or less telling him he's wrong.
But he's right. He's very right (always right, ya know). A relationship right now would only allow me to hide behind someone again, to fold myself up in their protection and ignore all these people around me who make me feel HORRIBLE about myself.
I can't do that.
I have to let the irritants keep irritating until I do something about it.
And besides that, who the hot holy *hell* would I date right now? Who would be good for me? Who would actually NOT just fuck me up some more?
No one I know.

I'm really just done .. I'm done with people making me feel like shit in one way or another.
If you aren't bringing good things to my life then you don't need to be in it. I'm an incredibly generous person. Those who know me well know this about me. I will give you absolutely everything I have to give.
Apparently I'm giving some people too much.
That's going to stop.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
luvrhino
Jul. 16th, 2002 08:46 pm (UTC)
Note the large number of times i use "i" in this comment purportedly about you...
And ya know, I've been thinking way too much the last couple months...

That's right, you have.

I think acquiring a job, a goal, or some other way to regularly occupy your time and, more importantly, your mind might help. Even if it's a shitty occupation, it will give focus to your emotions/hatred and you can always continue to look for a better job. Too much time for your omphaloskepsis ain't healthy right now.

It most likely is best that you're not dating anyone right now. For starters, no one else is worthy...well, no one aside from punkalicia, but she's taken anyway.

Gah, i just caught myself for i was about to spout self-esteem clichés about giving to yourself before you can give to others and similar treacle. I better stop here and go to bed...
maddening
Jul. 16th, 2002 11:00 pm (UTC)
Re: Note the large number of times i use "i" in this comment purportedly about you...
I have goals.. and the job has been one of them. But I've been so depressed that I can't get the motivation to MOVE. It's hard to get out of the damned house.
I'm working on it. I've set myself some small goals this week and I mean to stick to them, no damned excuses.

I wonder if I could convince ttocsland to let me time share alicia?
Hmmmm

And I understand the self esteem mantra urges.
I had to stop myself from saying that it was true that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself... and while that's true (and I think I'm really just realizing the truth in it for the first time recently (after all, cliches are cliches for a reason)) I'd really rather not sound *too* much like Stuart Smalley.

Man, I must be really putting out needy vibes if it's making YOU stop and pep talk me.

I'm in a hole, I'm trying to drag myself out. I really appreciate the support. Really.
luvrhino
Jul. 17th, 2002 06:01 am (UTC)
you can avoid these negative-thought-inducing people by leaving the damn house
You are putting out needy vibes, which is perfectly fine since your friends are happy to accept them and try to return at least some of the kindness you've shown them.

Now, i don't usually respond with supportive pep talks because you have plenty of other people who do that on a regular basis and, in most instances, pep talks don't you any good since you won't listen to them. I don't feel the need to rush in to be your knight in supporting armor when it isn't going to do you any good.

Here it seemed like it could possibly help, based upon your recognition that your overgenerous nature hasn't been making your own life any better.

In conclusion, though i don't jump at every opportunity to comfort you, i do care and am always willing to help out in any way i can. I figure that choosing my spots to give my brand of honest "psychotherapy" is the best i can do. If there's something else i can do (i.e. call you, let you clean my bathtub), let me know and i'll do it.
maddening
Jul. 17th, 2002 07:56 am (UTC)
Re: you can avoid these negative-thought-inducing people by leaving the damn house
I'd be incredibly heartened and gratified by a videotaped "music video" of you singing "Hungry Like the Wolf".

with dancing.

punkalicia
Jul. 17th, 2002 10:37 am (UTC)
Re: Note the large number of times i use "i" in this comment purportedly about you...
well, you probably could have convinced him pretty easily to time-share me yesterday...

the glorious thing about being in a rut..it's really fucking hard to pull yourself out.

but i'd be glad to offer you a hand up...
unhappymeal
Jul. 17th, 2002 07:53 am (UTC)
Try dating. No one to call. Lots of fun touchy feely stuff. No broken hearts.
maddening
Jul. 17th, 2002 08:12 am (UTC)
haha.. yeah ..
I don't think that's a good idea either.

I'm *good* at being single. I've just gotten so used to there being someone around that I sort of forgot that I don't *need* it, it's just nice to have.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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