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I had dreams about Jason. They weren't bad dreams, for a change. But, they weren't exactly *good* in that in these dreams I was with him and we were happy and I felt a real deep and abiding no reservations sort of love.
Considering he and I broke up several years ago and I've never had much in the way about misgivings about that decision, I think I'm just a little love-starved.
Love, romance, affection, attention starved. I mean, I knew that. But when I start having really really nice dreams about an ex, well... there's a problem.
I've been sort of generally sad the last couple days. Things are looking up but I don't *feel* like they are. It just feels like more of the same stagnation shit and it's just going to be another phase of me moving nowhere and blah blah blah.
It's all my diehard pessimism bubbling to the surface and making me miserable.
And I know it wouldn't be GOOD for me to be involved with anyone right now, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. But that would just be an exercise futility because no one would be good enough and while I'm needy and wanting, I'm not yet desperate and I know exactly what I want and I know that spending time actively looking and not getting would just make all this worse.

So I'm reading this pilates book and I'm going to start doing this wacky pilates/yoga combo that this chick teaches. And I'm reading the Popul Vuh... I always liked creation stories. And I'm trying to read that "artists way" book but it's just so hard to get through all the new agey/old timey spirituality stuff. She seems to be saying that in order to draw effectively and creatively and with a fulfillment that I want... I have to admit that it comes from a higher source, a creative force, the thing that made me and everything around me too..
And she's so... AA about it.
"you don't have to believe it.. just say it..."

I'm not enjoying the company of my sister at all anymore. Something about her manner just makes me not want to be around her. She's loud and she's opinionated and she's never ever wrong. But, well, that's how almost the whole family is... so that's nothing new. But with her, she's also damaged and looking for her deserved amount of respect and pity for that damage. She's still looking to be reimbursed for her pain in some way. I find that offensive because I went through as much, if not more than her and it would never occur to me to look to her and more or less say "where's my respect for surviving." She's always been obsessed with the idea that since I'm the youngest, I dealt with less. That because my father had mellowed out on the hardcore beatings and my mother had become a little less of a background character and started exerting her will a little here and there that I had it easy.
There's seven years between me and my closest sibling.
Being the baby meant I also had more time alone with my father than either of my brothers or my sister and she conveniently forgets that when she starts playing the "who had it worse" game, which is just insulting in the first place, as we all got trapped for different things.
Plus, she expects me to stand awed and dumbfounded when, like this morning I said something ("you were never a smoker") and she gave me her haughty "oh how dare you assume!" face and said "There are a lot of things about me you don't know...", as if we don't all have our secrets. That's one of her favorite lines. "there are a lot of things about me you don't know,"
Apparently because I never went out of my way to cultivate a party girl vibe and I never fucked whole fleets of sailors, I am just as innocent as it gets. I don't mind that part because, quite frankly I'd prefer my whole family didn't know just how much acid I ate in high school, thank you very much. It's the offended air she gets when I paint her as more pedestrian and staid than she likes to think she is.
What you did 15 years ago has fuck-all to do with the white-ked-wearing, teddy-bear-collecting, anal-retentive, precious-country-decor sort of chick you are today.

Sorry toots.

I think that over the years her tortured soul became her main personality trait.
Let me explain that....
Ever meet those people who seem full of secrets and mystery and you're pretty sure they had a bad past and that's what gives them those knowing eyes and that worldly, intriguing air? I think she decided at some point that she would parlay childhood trauma into being the Misunderstood Party Girl with Secrets.
A combination of Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club.
I've just seen a lot of people do it. But, to my sister's credit, unlike most people who do it, she actually *has* childhood trauma to build from.

Of course, maybe I'm just being too harsh and she really is just that fucked up.
Either way it makes her total pain in the ass to be around. Her 'oh I'm RIIIGHT!' misconceptions and her pouting and her guilt-ridden insecurities. I guess my dad was right when he beat me to get to her. Hit her right where it hurts most... her guilt centers.

Guh... objectively, she's not that bad. I'm just annoyed at her right now. And I'm supposed to go out to princess anne park with her and my mom and then go have lunch with them and I'm trying to get out the snarkiness so I don't wind up just smacking her across the face.

And I can't get this track to download from the ftp. try number 8 and it's still not cooperating. herm.

This post brought to you by the letter Z, the number 2, the color Purple, the astrological sign Aries, the planet Pluto, the rune Hagalaz, the loa Legba, the hispanic phantom La Llorona, the word Tintinabulation, and the USPS.

Comments

akadashi
Aug. 4th, 2002 01:26 pm (UTC)
I know it wouldn't be GOOD for me to be involved with anyone right now, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it

I've been in that state for the last few months, increasingly so (at least in an awareness sense). I've found it to be very frustrating, but not quite as prone to emotional extremes. Some part of me knows it's a good thing, but people like us seem to find little comfort in that while the process is still running its course.

She's loud and she's opinionated and she's never ever wrong

Hey - your sister sounds just like me! And you know how I love those ducks with the blue ribbons on their necks. Why, my kitchen's just covered in them! ;P

maddening
Aug. 4th, 2002 01:51 pm (UTC)
See, I've said for a good long while that *knowing* where I'm fucked up doesn't make it better.
The same thing applies to this. Knowing that it's better in the long run for me to be alone right now doesn't stop me feeling horribly horribly lonely.


Ya know... I think maybe you *do* have a lot in common with my sister...I should give you her number. You two could chat and swap recipies and talk about folkart that you like. ::Nods::

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