A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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I feel incredibly alone tonight. Only vaguely lonely... but very very *alone*, which to me is a very different thing.
I feel isolated, circumstantially and through the limitations and pride standards I've imposed on myself. What's a scream for attention from me is just an idle comment from someone else, so I can understand it being hard to see. And I haven't even been screaming. I've just been sitting and glowering. I'm not waiting for someone to fix it. And at the moment it isn't so bad that I've gotten proactive about it.
I wish I had a feeling of connection right now, but I just don't.

This isn't to say I'm in a bad mood... I'm not... I'm actually in probably the best mood generally that I've been in in months.
I came to some realizations. Some things about spirituality and my constant envy of people who aren't lunatics, but still have faith (a few years ago, I don't think I'd ever found one.. but I may not have actually been looking) are cleared up. I just feel better.
I've finally decided to accept the truth in that I'm going to be okay. Really okay. I'm not just going to survive or make due. I'll be okay. I'll be good. Honestly good.
It probably isn't around the corner... but it's down the road and it's definitely there and its shadow hasn't moved yet, so I've a feeling it's going to stay until I get there.
I feel really content and grateful for the good things and unwilling to comprimise on the things that don't enhance my life.

But I'm still very alone at the moment. And I just wish it weren't so.

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