A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

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I want some push to my shove, but your hand is in my glove....

I really love Ruby. Go get an album and listen to it.

I'm all nervous about work tomorrow and I dunno why. I think it's mainly clothing based, actually. I'm not yet used to the uniform or going down the main office hall, that's going to take a few weeks.

It's amazing what just a little bit of conversation with someone I like will do for my mood. It doesn't always work, but so much of the time just a short conversation will turn around a really really horrible mood. I'm glad I vented a tiny bit today at Karl. It really really helped. I'm glad I vented a tiny bit at Jessie the other day becuase that really helped too. If I can just keep myself occupied mentally I think I can keep myself from getting into the extremely negative morose thinking that's kept me so depressed the last couple weeks.
No, that's not my way of saying I need to avoid. If I was avoiding, I wouldn't have acknowledged that I've been depressed.
It just does me no good to dwell. I am a world class dweller and it is probably the worst thing I could do to myself. I analyze too much as it is. I over think everything and work myself into mental corners that aren't really there. I keep myself miserable through exceedingly negative thinking.
And while I don't think I can get totally self-help-bookish on myself, I do think that it's time I start doing some more agressive positive thinking. I've been stunned at my own confidence lately. I've been really impressed with myself in that I apparently somewhere along the way picked up some self esteem that I wasn't aware that I had.
I just have to remember that when it counts.
And remember that I'm strong and I've been through things that are so much more difficult than this. This? This shit? This is fucking *nothing*.
I need to remember that.

Sometimes the squeaky wheels are whiners.
But not me. And I need to remember that most of all. Help is there, I just need to ask for it (and sometimes I need to stomp my foot and fucking scream for it) and I certainly deserve it.

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