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Aug. 30th, 2002

Maybe Joe isn't an asshole. Maybe he's just a dude who's at work, is working, and that's that.
That would be something I understand.
I dunno... I worked til 9:30 tonight and grabbed my schedule, I'm up to almost 30 hrs which is good. And I'm not still wandering around wondering what the hell to do or who to ask.
Another week and I'll have zero problems at all. And there was a guy without a name tag who I had some weird staring thing going on with. He was kind of cute. Probably about 18 years old and therefore laughably too young... but after the staring there was talking and then more staring.

So so bizarre to actually have "I wonder if he's doing THAT sort of staring" thoughts. Not totally weird considering how lonely I've been... but I just don't think thoughts like that.
A lot of extra long looks from several people have made me realize that I really do have reach-out-and-slap-you-eyes... and I think that's a big part of it. Plus I laugh at weird times. Usually when I'm thinking "Karl would find this funny"

I miss Karl very very very much.

I want a cigarette.
I won't have a cigarette... because I don't have any.
And I want a camel light wide, packed really well, out of a fresh pack.

Sometimes I still really want cigarettes. It's not physical addiction. I just *liked* smoking sometimes. A cigarette with a cup of coffee or with hard liquor.
I think though, that I'm not there yet. I'm not at that point where I can occasionally smoke and not start buying packs and running outside for breaks and walking to the store at 3 in the morning because I ran out and it's an insomnia night.

A few more months maybe. The thing is... I hadn't been counting. I haven't been "a smoker" for a couple months now. That's neat.

But right now, tonight... I really really want a cigarette.

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