A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid


I've exhausted my list of people I could possibly call. (all 3 of them) And, it's really smacked me in the head just how cut off from people I am. I don't have any friends. Really. There is no one around me of flesh and blood that I have interaction with outside of my family. That happened slowly over a period of time, not immediately, so it's not a huge shock. But when I really just want to have a stupid conversation with uhm... *anyone* and there's just no one around or available, not even anyone online to talk to, it becomes really clear.
I don't *need* to talk about anything. I'm in the process of accepting some truths, hard truths, truths I hate with every fiber of my being... but that need to be accepted nonetheless. That's not easy, but it's an internal rather than external process and there really isn't anything that needs to be worked out. Just things I need to get the fuck over and accept. I'm not depressed, just disappointed. I'm not sad, just frustrated. No, frustrated is the wrong word. Frustrated implies that I had hope to begin with... and that's not really true. It was always a process of being okay with there being nothing.

Cryptic enough for ya?

I've spent too much time just existing. I'm not someone who can do that very well. I wither in the process. My heart works on its own time table and I won't lie to myself or anyone else about that anymore.

So, I have the day off. I got enough sleep. I'm eager to interact with anyone I dig. And it really fucking sucks in a way that I cannot express the *depth* of that, yet again, that there's just no one and that I feel like a fucking burden, yet again. It's making me really bitter. And I'm getting to a point where I think the bitterness is justified.
Not that it is.
But right now I feel that way.

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