A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler. For some reason, somehow, that song will get me every single time I hear it.
Except the word 'love' doesn't really apply because I just... I don't think I've ever been in love. Not really. I dunno.. hard to tell isn't it?
Anytime I've ever thought I was really totally *consumed* by love for someone, it's never been reciprocated. And the heartache caused from that lack sooner or later killed that love. So does that mean it wasn't real?

The truth is, I'm a big ball of open and exposed nerve endings. I have enormous, consuming emotions. So in the moment, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between hopeful crush and deep and meaningful love. But I always know after. heh.
Convenient huh? Fits the cliches perfectly.

I've cared really deeply for many people. Some of them have cared deeply for me.
That should be enough, right?

I dunno. It's a testament to how removed I am from these things right now that I'm typing all this out with a wistful smile on my face instead of some rueful, too worldly, not wise enough, smirk on my face.
Another truth is, even though I know I really want that tenderness and depth of emotion in my life, I think I'd just break it, and whoever is giving it. And that is, well... good to know. Becuase wanting it doesn't equal needing it.
Babble babble.

I always come back to this don't I?
feeling too much is better than not feeling enough. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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