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Oct. 16th, 2002

I sat down, thought I was going to watch the 15 minute student film THX: 1138, turns out it was the full length feature film and because Robert Duvall was just that damned alluring when he was at that age, I ended up continuing to watch it.
Until I fell asleep. I vaguely remember taking off my glasses because my neck hurt. So I was already pretty out of it.
I awoke to a scene of chaotic confusion and noise on the screen. I've seen that movie so many times and I still couldn't identify that part.

I went into the bathroom just now to blow my nose and ended up ranting at myself in the mirror about men, the ones in my life and how they've all found a way to let me down.

Ever talk to yourself in the mirror? mentally providing the answers/questions/comments that spur on your conversation?
I like it. It's a release sometimes for all the things I never actually get to say. And sometimes, it's just good to know what my face looks like when, in the flow of conversation, I call someone an anally intruded sock puppet or when I'm rehearsing confessions and denials that will never happen.

This is probably on some checklist for mental illness. I've been doing it since I was about 8 years old at least. I can remember my brother walking into the kitchen and finding me telling my reflection in the microwave oven door that I hated him and that I was going to get him.
That was his favorite torture at me for a month. Until I did something else he could use as ammo, or he just got bored and went back to pretending he was dead until I was convinced, scared and screaming. He did that at least once a week for quite awhile. Every time he'd take it far enough that I'd believe him, despite it always being fake before. I'd always be just *sure* that this time, it was real and by ignoring it, I was in effect ignoring his death. He'd always "wake up" just about the time I started running for the phone to call 911. And I'd pummel him with small, angry, useless fists while he laughed at me.

I've talked to people who are in permanent relationships with their therapists over less.

I think it's easier for me to be wry, sarcastic, or angry than sad. Well okay. It's *easier* to be sad, but it's easier not to feel disgust at myself for all the *whining* if I'm wry, sarcastic, or angry.
Apparently the cast-iron bitch thing is looked upon with an indulgent humor. And I do it often enough that it's a little difficult to tell the difference in text. Well, in person or on the phone too.
My powers of communication are just reduced to one long drone of 'angry' and it's all dismissable.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
greyyguy
Oct. 16th, 2002 07:52 pm (UTC)
I don't think I've ever talked to myself in a mirror. At least not specifically in a mirror. I talk to myself all the time. One voice is my thinking something and then the other side is me speaking a response. I'm sure if anyone were to observe this, they would consider me somewhat ill too.

One thing that makes me not worry about it is that it is healthy to get your problems out and talk about them, even if it is just talking to yourself. Talking about it acknowledge that there are problems and lets you examine them. Plus, the way the brain works, hearing something said aloud can trigger a different response then quietly thinking about it. So you do get two different points of view with one person. No mental illness. Just using your one mind more efficiently.
ascaechoriel
Oct. 16th, 2002 08:14 pm (UTC)
Ever talk to yourself in the mirror?

Yes. To a disturbing degree. Actually getting up, walking into the bathroom, having a good yelling match with myself and then coming back in here and sitting down like nothing ever happened.
dlbags
Oct. 16th, 2002 11:08 pm (UTC)
What about talking to your own sock puppet?

I was once told that talking to one's own self is actually a strong sign of sanity- you know, as long as it isn't you trying to talk yourself out of hurting the bad people.

BUt seriously, a shrink told me once that talking to yourself is a sign of strong character and a firm grasp on sanity, that it's a misconception of insanity as schizos aren't talking to "themselves" per se, but another persona within them selves.

You're not crazy, just animated (I'm guessing) and intelligent (I know).


On a completely different note which doesn't require a reply (unless you want), I am sorry I blew up like I did. If you do or ever do want to reopen communication about this or anything else; let me know (e-mail, phone), lj seems to just not work for us. I find it troubling we've never fought once all the times on the phone and yet have so much through this retarded message board method.

So yeah, I'm sorry...
maddening
Oct. 17th, 2002 12:51 pm (UTC)
I find it strange that you damn this form of communication while utilizing it and ask for a reply in mail or by phone while failing to use those mediums yourself.

"Lj sucks as a communication basis. We shouldn't use it. So I'm using it to tell you that."

dlbags
Oct. 17th, 2002 03:03 pm (UTC)
You know I actually thought about that about two minutes after I sent it...sorry. I've been up for two days straight, and now I just woke up from fourteen hour coma too. I'm pretty much confused at the moment about a lot.
dlbags
Oct. 17th, 2002 03:05 pm (UTC)
actually it wasn't that long, my math was way off, ignore me...i need a healthy sleep pattern...
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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