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Since I was FLOODED by the outpouring of caring and concerned emails, I've been seriously considering using my second journal. Maybe make it private, maybe only so that a few can read it. It's not the prying eyes that bother me right now. It's the feeling that no one gives a shit.
I'm probably being self absorbed. Well, when you're this depressed, it's hard not to be.
This last week has been full of intense ups and downs and it's left me feeling sick.

Today I went to lunch with Brandon at his request... where we talked about his ex girlfriends, girls he thinks are hot, and some of the bullshit that goes on between people we know mutually. Nick thinks I flirt with him...But then Nick thinks I flirt with the cart guys. Nick thinks a laughing conversation is flirting, I think. I like to think I'm equally nice to all the dumb little boys (that's brandon's new name for the day... "Dumb Little Boy"...),
I can see why certain girlies would be all about him. But he's such a goober too.
It's weird for me because I can SEE Scott in so many of his facial expressions that it's really disturbing. They've obviously spent way too much time together. And because, again, trendy-ish dude who's all about the 'hot chicks' and bands like Good Charlotte.
I've just seen way too much of it.

He even does that "ooh, look at *that* chick!" thing. Makes me fucking crazy. I'm ALWAYS the girl buddy. The ones who are really googly over me are always broken or weird. Well, the ones I'm a girl buddy too are often broken or weird too... but it's usually in different ways.

I told him today that if he didn't stop that crap, I was going to key his car.

Tom the stock guy apparently decided today that the playful pushy thing wasn't enough. So when I very lightly chucked him in the arm, he hit back. The first time.. okay, fine... I deserved that because I *did* hit him first. The second time I was just walking by and he punched me in the arm. I dunno if he doesn't know his own strength or what but dammit, it freakin hurt. He's all about the flirty thing. With him it's obvious. Today he had to follow up a comment about my having a childlike face with "it's also a really damned scary face."
Because he's a dumb little boy too and posessed of an 8 year old mentality.
He pulls my pigtails, so he must dig me.
But the punching was way out of line and i'm bruised now, the cockmonkey.

I need to take a camera to work for a few days. I need pictures of these people.

I just had a much needed talk with Jessie. No more bottling. That's the new policy. woe to those who make me feel like shit, and woe to those who make me happy. You'll be hearing about it.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 15th, 2002 03:30 pm (UTC)
i care. really, i do. i just have been self-absorbed in trying not to vomit every 30 seconds, which makes writing much that is intelligible a challenge.
Nov. 15th, 2002 03:36 pm (UTC)
you should get a voice recognition program...

'i know you're feeling really down right now...*retching noises*...'
Nov. 15th, 2002 04:05 pm (UTC)
hehe... silly woman. There are special rules for pregnant ladies with 4 year old Precious Moments daughters. ::nods::

(I know you care and I appreciate that immensely.... okay.. gonna cry now)
Nov. 16th, 2002 11:16 am (UTC)

we were in the party store the other day - BC's birthday is in two weeks and i had to stock up on nauseating pink barbie party materials ::retch:: - and they had a section with Precious Moments figurines for weddings and new babies ::double retch::. BC looked at them quizzically and said "mommy, what ARE these?" i think she freaked herself out by looking at her mirror image -- albeit, one that was dressed up like a bride.
Nov. 15th, 2002 03:35 pm (UTC)
okay, i'm going to admit to being super-hyper EXTREMELY self absorbed right now. i feel like i kind of have to be, otherwise some important stuff won't happen.

but boy oh boy does it suck to be depressed and feel like no one is your friend, and everyone hates you AND I GUESS I'LL GO EAT WORMS.

Nov. 15th, 2002 04:07 pm (UTC)
Awww... and I know you've been up to your neck in worry too. And I actually shouldn't be bitching in the first place because I haven't exactly been the queen of responses lately myself.
Feeling alone for me leads to walling myself off which makes me feel more alone which leads to looking for reason to kick more people out of my life (not that there are that many to kick out these days) which makes me feel more alone while simultaneously making me feel like an ogre for expecting too much out of people who owe me nothing.


I'm a spiral of self-imposed depression sometimes.
But at least I'm getting better at recognizing it.
Nov. 15th, 2002 04:22 pm (UTC)
Well, y'know, I'd do ya.
Nov. 15th, 2002 05:17 pm (UTC)
GREAT! One dude and he's married, in love with his kids, and living on the west coast.


Nov. 15th, 2002 04:35 pm (UTC)
my bad. comments were disabled which I usually (perhaps wrongly) take as "no responses wanted", not even via private email. i was sending you love through the ether tho.
Nov. 15th, 2002 05:14 pm (UTC)
guh. I didn't mean to make everyone defensive. I was just being sarcastic, poking fun at myself, and putting a very fine point on the stuff I adress a little later in the post. Namely my "I NEED PEOPLE!.... GET AWAY FROM ME!!" thing that I do.

I didn't mean it personally or directly at anyone.

Nov. 18th, 2002 09:18 am (UTC)
oh i can dig it lady. just telling you how it came across to schlubs such as myself :)
Nov. 15th, 2002 05:16 pm (UTC)
Hey! I give a shit.

Not literally, of course. That would be gross.

"Hi! I care! Here's excrement!"
Nov. 15th, 2002 06:55 pm (UTC)
Maybe if it was some famous person's shit. "Hey! I care! Look, I got this out of Harrison Ford's septic tank!"
Nov. 15th, 2002 07:08 pm (UTC)
I'm scared to post flirtacious or happy things, you get freaked when I do.

Die bitch, die!!!!

Howz dat?

You know I gots nuthin but love for mah girl Holly!!!
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


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