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Said I wouldn't, but I did.

I started to write up a really fucking snarky reply to this complete pile of shit. But then I listened to a few of the De La Guarda tracks and now I'm too happy to do so. There really are so many things I could say to it. In an enormous range of tones and meanings.
But I don't feel like beating my head against yet another raging misunderstanding. I don't feel like defending my position when it's clear to me that my position is the last thing he wants to hear. He wants his commiseration. He wants to feel justified in his anger and dissapointment. And shit man, who doesn't? When you feel wronged, you want to swim in it until it fills up your pores and makes your fingers wrinkley. I know that feeling.
So I won't rob anyone of it. Becuase it's so oddly satisfying.

A few things I *will* say though...
A list of excuses is not an apology.
Making an ass out of me concerning people and things I care about and doing it so blatantly, without the first thought as to how that might make me feel was simply one *more* thing on a list that I'm sure you're well aware of.
My suprising feelings of affection lately were a SUPRISE for a *reason*.
Forgiveness runs out and apologies wear thin. But I was willing to give and accept before I read this interesting piece of self righteousness and that lovely bit the other day about it taking "two... no... three weeks" for me to just get over how disgustingly offended and embarassed you made me. The people you shit on, live on the air, broadcast around the world, they got over it. They told me 'no problem'. They understood and didn't blame me. Becuase they're good people and that's the only reason. But me, I've just had too much of this crap. It's not just me and my *kooky* moods. This is cause and effect.

Normally, I'd feel horrible about ripping into someone that I actually gave a shit about a scant week ago. Someone I'd been doggedly defending against every person who expressed their incredulity at why I just keep taking all this petty crap (and yes, there's been more than one).But at this moment, I don't respect you enough to put it in an email.
I'm sure there will be a spin for this. The martyr flayed open and wronged. Paint me as evil and twisted and fucked up and bad.
I don't care.

And hey, maybe it's cliched just becuase it's cliched.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jan. 22nd, 2003 07:17 pm (UTC)
It's not fucking martyrdom Holly, it's that sometimes people try to make amends and/or feel bad and bother to try and explain or work things out. I'm not so callus as to play the "I'm not going to fucking bother" game you love to; which by the way is complete bullshit and transparent. I do care and I try.

Also, did you think for a moment that I wrote that "self righteous piece" as sincere expression? That perhaps I really felt bad, and I assumed that you'd be angry awhile before it subsided- and rightfully so? Didn't I say I was indefensible in my email to you? I realize I need to be a piece of shit right now, but get some perspective woman.

In my defense though, because frankly, I think I have a god given right to defend myself, I was somewhat reluctant to talk on air, but I did. Why? Because I wanted your friends to like me, I wanted to be funny, I wanted to be affable. This is usually when people put their feet in their mouths. I know Karl hates me and has before I ever even knew of him or spoke of him to you, if that makes me the asshole, then so be it. But I do know how important he is to you, and I was fucking nervous for that reason.

But I failed, and something stupid came out. This shit happens Holly, it really really does, and it didn’t dawn on me how I might have seemed until I spoke to you, I've felt bad since then and still do. Regardless of all of this BS between us, I feel bad. I do care how you are perceived, and of course I don't want you to have to "defend" me to your friends. I'm sorry you even have to, and it hurts to hear so say that. I could be hurtful but frankly I'm too tired. What can a person do except admit fault and try to make amends? I know everyone has their limits, but don't presume you're doing all of the "putting up" with. This is life. I'll leave it at that.

I don't know what else to say, I can say I'm sorry and explain myself only so many times Holly, I'm really not a "complete pile of shit"...but I can't win, if I express that it's me laying guilt on you.

Also, I didn't expect an email, a phone call yes, but whatever, I'm not going to play the victim, I brought most of this on myself, just not all of "this" which is the only reason I'm bothering to reply. I kept it ambiguous in my journal for a reason, you chose to call me out. And just waking up to being "removed" was pretty hurtful too. I did think I warranted some dialogue...but I also understand your actions.

BTW- I got the emails I sent your buddies' show back as "undelivered" just now, so I'm going to assume they didn't get it. Here's what I wrote that very same night:

Dear tech guys,

I was Dave the first caller, and as a friend of Holly I'd like to apologize for my call. I basically had a long day and heard Holly, called, and while on hold it hit me I was going live on the air and HAD NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE. So uh, in typical Dave fashion, I tried being funny- or tried to facilitate you guys ragging on me for entertainment purposes. I thought it was amusing, but after talking to Holly I guess I realize I came across as a dick.

This was not my intention.

I actually quite enjoyed the show, the banter and humor mixed with tech stuff. It's a shame you guys are on the rocks, but hopefully you'll get a gig, and should. You guys have a great chemistry and work off of each other very well. As a matter of fact, you guys should consider getting a show and dropping the tech aspect (if that would help you get a gig) and just banter for two hours or more and take calls, I could totally see that working well. You guys are pretty quick witted and smart.

I'm being completely sincere by the way.

Anyway, I wanted to formally apologize, and tell you guys I like the show a lot and will try to listen every week. And please do not to hold Holly responsible if my call pissed you guys off. Send me a virus or something, reformatting my hard drive or something is probably fitting for me.

Dave (homosexual in denial)

I sent that at 10:12PM Saturday...that's not me being a martyr, that's called me making amends and being sincere. I'm sorry you can't see it that way.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
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