A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

Guide to Singing the Blues

Thinking of singing the Blues? These are the rules:

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest
face in town."


3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the

meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."


4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.


5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the

blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.


6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that
don't
get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.

Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.


9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.



10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d.
bottom
of a whiskey glass.
Bad places: a. Dillard's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions
d.
golf courses


11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you sleep in it.


12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older
than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be
satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see
c.
the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund


13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a
leg up on the blues.


14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or

bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c.
Snapple d.
Slim Fast


15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the
electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.


16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat
River
Dumpling


17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big
Willie


18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical
infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus
name of
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,maybe not "Kiwi.")


20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.
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