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I'm not bothered anymore by the fact that you can't be bothered.
It's kind of difficult to get all worked up and hurt by someone so.... *thin*
1s and 0s... isn't that what you think? For the first time ever I can truly say that that's all you are. Lil electronic impulses that move and spell for mechanical purposes.
I think it's funny that you actually lecture and bluster about reality and truth. You don't know anything about either of those particular topics.
You feed yourself the appropriate drugs for your moods, cultivate ass kissers like pearls to make you feel pretty and special, and fabricate whole chunks of happenings for what seems like the pure joy of fabrication.
You must really think I'm stupid ... that I didn't notice your bullshit ... didn't notice that your little profundities are just pabulum stolen from better lips.
Maybe you're just so used to everyone clamoring for you that it never occurred to you that someone who actually thinks you might not be too bad with a little time and a little work could also have something to say that contradicts your constructs. Something that smacks down your neediness and asks you to listen for a while instead of just waiting to talk. I know I'm not the first to make that demand and I know that I won't be the first to walk away from your black hole.
You like to think no one knows you, and I think that might just be true. Because there is no 'you' to know. Ephemeral-tissue paper and gauze. That's why you're so self centric-because you desperately need the cement of attention to make your fictions solid ... if you look away, you might just disappear.
So it's good that you have an entourage ... people content to just sit around and talk about you ... run to your needs ... because they imagine that it means that they're special, exotic, and strange too... a contact high.
Ever notice that they all leave? Ever wonder why that is? Are they all just assholes who never really liked you in the first place? Used you? Got what they needed and left? Or do they all finally get tired of being spotlights, highlights, the perfect strong contrast you require to be anything more than a lying, self medicating, self sabotaging, manipulative, narcissistic, sheep-minded drama queen whos total worth is only measured in how much you can get out of your host on any given day?

It's a small, blood sucking creature with no backbone that hides in the muck and can poison you while it bleeds you dry.
Just a parasite.

If you have to ask if this is about you, then it's probably not.
Then again, maybe you're just that damned clueless.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 2nd, 2001 03:38 pm (UTC)
*looks worried*

*bites fingernail*

See, now, I think what you've done there, you see, is described women as a whole.

Perhaps men, too. Though I don't know that men are as narcissistic. Hang on. Narcissus was a man. blast.

That's *me* worried about those red stains on my face... and all this time i thought I was just out giving oral sex to menstruating girlies, but nooooooo...

(i felt the need to say "menstruating girlies", you see. But really. Whowhowho?)
Jun. 2nd, 2001 06:14 pm (UTC)
Re: *pause*
they know who they are.

And believe me, I got nowhere near describing women as a whole.
Women are nowhere near being that easily classified... men come close with their behavior... but the underneath tends to (not always.. but tends to) negate the bullshit on top.
Jun. 8th, 2001 02:59 pm (UTC)
i really dont wanna get involved at ALL cause i dont even know the half of it. nor do i want to.

but do you keep having to insult his friends too? i personally dont think i'm an asskisser, a needy person, a drama queen, blind, ignorant, exotic, special, or strange, or really any of the other things youre saying. i don't clamor; there is no entourage.

there are those of us who seem him as a mix of good and bad, just like any other human being, and accept it without so much judgement. just like i sincerely accept all of what *you* are saying without judgement on your person. i admire you sticking up for what you believe in but i wish you'd keep your attacks focused on the individual youre upset with. it really makes it harder for me to appreciate your point of view.

:) -k
Jun. 8th, 2001 04:02 pm (UTC)
The truth of the matter is, I didn't think any of his asskissers would read this. And so far, so far as I know, they haven't. What I've seen of you doesn't put you in that category and I'm sure I should have been clearer about what I meant.
Keep in mind that that was a rant. Pure out rant. Not a lot of thought given to collateral reprecussions of what I would say. Because I was pretty sure he wouldn't read it, get it, or see that it was all about him in the first place.

I really really appreciate you commenting here though. Wow. Thank you. Really.
And you aren't an asskisser. You aren't one of the ones he's cultivated. Those seem to be a very special breed and it's not hard to pick them out. And yes, I probably have no right to pass judgement on them. I am sure that they, like me, have and had their own reasons, some of them probably very concrete and defendable, for being his friend. I didn't mean to tear them down.
And I see that that's pretty much what I've done.
Thank you for saying something.

My inability to accept his particular mixture stems from the fact that I've seen him before someone shook him. I saw him very unbalanced. So I got mostly bad, a very large piece of the good hidden. I know it's there. I wouldn't have bothered to talk to him at all if I didn't think it was. But just the things, completely unwarranted, that he's said, and the perceptions he doesn't WANT to have changed.. it leads to me giving up and giving up with a push.

But yeah.... thanks again.
I'll temper my shit storm here.

Jun. 11th, 2001 02:35 pm (UTC)
thanks for replying.
i really don't know what else to say, because the rest of this isn't really my business.
But, again, thanks for an obviously well-thought-out reply. :)
Jun. 11th, 2001 04:57 pm (UTC)
How do you really feel
Maddening indeed,

When cornered animals feel threatened they attack
What is it that Wes has done to threaten you Maddening?
I admire your desire to speak your mind and express yourself
But what you have expressed yourself to be is someone who has been hurt by another and is attacking to hurt back
Although I understand the sentiment for it is a base instinct to all human beings I found your entry to be vague and meaningless in its lack of actual communication
You have displayed yourself to be petty and mean in the face of adversity
You neglected to display any foundation for your arguments
And you have attempted to judge and insult those of us who choose to love Wes dearly despite his flaws (as we all have flaws in abundance)
I have no understanding of your interactions with Wes that have led you to this point
I dont really feel that I need to
I do however understand that you obviously care a great deal about your interactions with Wes otherwise you would not have thrown down the sword of communication in this fashion
All the energy you wasted with your rant could have been used constructively to either heal yourself of the hurt you perceive Wes has caused you
Or been used to communicate more constructively and more sincerely for the sake of a mutually respectful resolution
A parting thought
If you desire a better response in any given situation rather than utilizing futile and demeaning attention getting techniques you should try displaying your most sincere and beautiful qualities for the other to respond to and allow that person the opportunity to realize their own mistakes and with that knowledge act accordingly

I am not trying to belittle anyone with this communication I am hoping to inspire all parties here to drop the (what I perceive as) drama and together come to a clear, accurate and mutually beneficial resolution.

Jun. 11th, 2001 10:17 pm (UTC)
Re: How do you really feel
My entry is only vague if you are not Wes.
I am sure that Wes understood every point of it.

There is, of course, a *lot* I would like to say about all this. But saying it here, to you, would do very very little good.
Besides, it actually doesn't matter very much... you yourself said that you had no understanding of the interactions that led me to the point of posting that. With that statement you negated the possibility of me discussing this with you.
Jun. 11th, 2001 11:17 pm (UTC)
Re: How do you really feel
What is it that Wes has done to threaten you Maddening?

Well, I can tell you what I know he did... he attacked her and I, personally, without any explanation for his actions. When suggested he contact me in a day or two to discuss it, he failed to.

I admire your desire to speak your mind..[snip]..you have expressed yourself to be..[snip].. attacking to hurt back
..[snip]..vague and meaningless in its lack of actual communication

Sometimes a journal is for venting, not communicating. For the words would be lost on the average reader, only understood by those who understood the author.

You ..[snip].. petty and mean

... and your attack here, without any prior knowledge of the situation can be seen as what? Saintly? For fuck's sake Michelle. I always took Wes's comments about you with a grain of salt, knowing him as I did... Strange, you're on his side now... but they're more accurate.

You neglected to display any foundation for your arguments

It didn't seem like an argument to me. An argument suggests she's trying change someones point of view. She tried that already, and the words that were so entirely accurate that they brought tears to my eyes were lost on the one person who claimed to know me in this world.

I don�t really feel that I need to [understand the situation]

Thats wholely apparent.

I ..[snip].. understand that you obviously care a great deal about your interactions with Wes

... and your lack of understanding comes SHINING through again. What she cared about, in this situation, was how much Wes meant to me, as a friend. The fact that his actions were causing that to fade, drastically, she felt the need to come to him and warn him. Without my telling her what Wes meant. Without asking her to. All of her own volition. It was, without qualification, the single greatest gesture anyone has ever done for me... and it fell on deaf ears.

All the energy you wasted with your �rant� could have been used constructively

... and this? *shakes his head*

A parting thought

Ohhhh GOODY, that means you're leaving!

If you desire a better response

It was quite obvious to me, but then again this situation some how FUCKING involved me, that her intention was not to illicit a response... but to vent frustration at the lack of response in the past.

I am not trying to belittle anyone with this communication � I am hoping to inspire all parties here to drop the (what I perceive as)

Your perceptions, dear, are not what you posted here. It was a thinly veiled attack, and I'm sure was prompted by exactly what I've watched Wes do towards every situation. He puts his usual spin on things, to obtain the support he wants. I think if you only knew the things I've listened to from him, about you, you'd realize that maybe the line you were fed WRT this situation wasn't the full story. I knew that when I heard him, and would never have come attack you... or Monkey... or Kaeren... or any of the numerous people I've sat and listened to him bitch about. It's what Wes does, or haven't you noticed? The point here is that you were out of line. You don't, even though I'm sure you think you do, understand even the smallest part of this situation. You might try being a little more open to the possibility that one side of a story is not the whole story. Makes life easier. Makes people not seem QUITE so dumb.

This is completely the wrong venue for this conversation... so I'm going to take it to my journal.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )


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