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So.... bored....
horrible when all the people I know all of a sudden develop a life.


I could be out having a life.
I declined on the grounds that it would MEAN SOMETHING to the person I would be hanging with
Can't go around having things MEAN SOMETHING. So I'm bored now. Not horribly so, but to the point I'm thinking of just going to sleep. I don't really have anything to stay awake for. I don't have the push to write. I've gotten out a lot of my agression. Even had a conversation with Mr. Questions without feeling like I had to be strong, cold and aloof (and feeling like I was failing). I sent him a picture, for chrissakes.
One of the things I've realized about him is that, no matter how wonderful he can be, no matter how god awfully attractive I find him, he's still a dork in a lot of ways.
And he's rather incapable of understanding ... well.. hehe... me.
He doesn't. He won't. He can't.
I really wish he could. But he just can't. :::shrug::: It makes me sad, but sadness won't change it. Unfortunately he's always been perceptive about my moods. So he knew I've been feeling pretty shit. GAH.
Don't want to talk about him .
I need a big big eraser.
I don't think I regret enough. Might make for a more humble person. And the things I regret are usually those things that I had no real control over in the first place. But it's broken me, you know? I can't feel in the same ways as a lot of other people. I just ... can't accept and in a lot of ways, can't give. It hurts too much.
Unfortunately I had a lil drink tonight. That always makes me too introspective and instantly morose if I am not in a social thing. If I'm on the phone with someone I dig, it's fine, if I'm out somehwere with people I dig, it's fine. But at the house with no one to really talk to ... gah... instant deep black depression.
I know this.
I always forget until it's too late.
The thought of just drifting off to sleep is a nice one, just ... alien to me.
It's been a very long time since I just got into bed and slept without the benefit of drugs or that special exhaustion only insomniacs really get to know. I could probably do it tonight. I haven't been to sleep before 6 am any day this week.
And the latest I've slept is one o'clock.
I'm not really complaining.... I just know that this will end. It always does. I'll burn out, he'll burn out. ::shrug:: it's inevitable.
That intrigue he mentioned... me... heheh.. gah.. can't even wrap my brain around that thought... MY intrigue. He couldn't explain it, but I could tell he meant it... and that will go away too.
can't stop the unstopable.
complacency and apathy.
Those are my buttons. Probably the worst things you could ever do to me.
Get used to me, or just... not give a damn. Mr. Questions doesn't give a damn. And the other is just gonna get used to me.
And I just want to give up, go away, go hide. What's the point, ya know?
I KNOW that this is the alcohol. I didn't drink a lot. Just a couple. But that's enough and this is why I don't drink a lot. Give me weed. I get the mellow without the morose. Give me percoset, codeine, ultram, vicodin, valium....
I prefer the speedies, of course. Aderol and meth and mdma and ephededrine.
Caffeine and nicotine. always there. It's all about the substances, you know?
Most people who claim not to take drugs are lying lying lying... oh just my coffee, just my cigs.. and then freak on me when I mention mini thins or inhalers.
your speed or my speed, they're all stimulants, you know.


Today I was hugged like a daughter by a man who is not my father. And I was screamed at like a cheating spouse by a man who is not my husband. And I was made to smile despite myself, like someone in love, by a man who does not love me.


And now I think I deserve to sleep like someone who's at peace...
It'll just be another lie, you know

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
kmo
Jun. 2nd, 2001 10:31 pm (UTC)
I realize how little consolation this will provide...
but you write beautifully when you're melancholy.
maddening
Jun. 2nd, 2001 10:57 pm (UTC)
Re: I realize how little consolation this will provide...
... Oddly enough, I think that's probably one of the best things that could be said to me right now.
Thanks.


Good to know that there *is* a time when I write beautifully.
krysto4
Jun. 3rd, 2001 11:26 am (UTC)
Re: I realize how little consolation this will provide...
Someone as intellectually prescient as yourself needs a mental challenge - have you considered brain surgery? (performing it, that is) You can practice on me - it's not like you could do any damage...:)
maddening
Jun. 3rd, 2001 12:51 pm (UTC)
Re: I realize how little consolation this will provide...
while I've never considered brain surgery for a hobby... I think that practicing on you might just be something I could dig.


And ya never know about that damage thing.
Might just remove your natural crack drip and make you normal.
And you could settle down, get a desk job, get married, have kids, get an SUV, decide you never really liked writing music in the first place and give your equipment to the destructive 12 year old lil boy satan next door.
And buy a ride on mower instead.
And get really into your lawn.


I think this whole... rambling thing is the coffee and the sleep.
I slept more than 5 hours last night. It's altered me.
krysto4
Jun. 3rd, 2001 07:18 pm (UTC)
Re: brane sergerie...
THAT would require MAJOR surgery - like a whole transplant - jeez, I'd turn into J. Alfred Profrock - measuring my life in coffee spoons - scuttling along the ocean floor like some lost lobster looking for a nice pot to be boiled alive in...

I was thinking more along the lines of Leonard Cohen, Steven Tyler, and/or Lenny Kravitz...

btw - the alprazolam(Xanax) only made be kinda groggy/sleepy - will only use in emergencies
(I've has panic anxiety for many years - it sux!).
krysto4
Jun. 3rd, 2001 07:21 pm (UTC)
Re: brane sergerie...
Typo alert!
...that's J Alfred Prufrock!
I thought that looked weird...
maddening
Jun. 3rd, 2001 08:30 pm (UTC)
Re: brane sergerie...
HAH!
RIGHT!
SUUUUUURE..
just a typo..
I've heard it aaaaaaaaaaall before, young man.
maddening
Jun. 3rd, 2001 08:30 pm (UTC)
Re: brane sergerie...
Brain transplant.. Hmmmmm... I duno if my tinkering could accomplish that.


OOoh .. leonard cohen... hmmmm


What effect were you going for?
Vicodin and ultram both make me really very mellow without the tiredness. But I've got an odd chemistry going on.... They put most people right to sleep.
frobisher
Jun. 3rd, 2001 07:46 pm (UTC)
Re: I realize how little consolation this will provide...
There are many. You are a silly little girl for thinking otherwise.

So there nyah.
maddening
Jun. 3rd, 2001 08:26 pm (UTC)
Re: I realize how little consolation this will provide...
Name some then.
go on.
NAME SAME


I'll wait.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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