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"Remember, as a polyamorous person, his love for his other partners is just as valid as it is for you, and they will also feel the need to be acknowledged...and that her needs WILL likely require some emotional sacrifice from you, as well as time and finance. "

I agree on the sacrifices part. Sharing your loved one with someone else is going to require a lot of sacrifice unless you don't actually care all that much about them in the first place.

However to me the idea that you can be fully and completely in love with more than one person at a time is a view for the emotionally immature. For me personally, even the idea of polyamory as applied to my own life is revolting. I can't imagine being a 'primary' or 'secondary'. I can't imagine sharing someone I love with someone else and just being okay with this.
Yes, this is why I'm not a polyamorous person.

But usually a different point of view, way of life, mode of being and feeling, etc. I can understand. I can see how someone could feel that way. I am usually very very good at being empathetic and seeing someone else's point of view on things. But this has never been the case with polyamory. I've never been able to feel anything about it other than "why?" and "do you realize that this means that something is broken?"
You don't have to agree with me. And I'm not attacking.
I'm just honestly baffled by polyamory, how it works, and how it is ever fulfilling for both partners. It seems to me from what I've read in a lot of communities and sites that to make polyamory actually work there is *a lot* of effort involved, a lot of analysis, constant compromise and re-evaluation involved. Now I know that monogamy needs a lot of that as well for 90% of the people out there, but that usually comes down to being with someone who doesn't meet your needs. With polyamory it just seems to me that it's *impossible* to ever have both people's needs met.
I've never seen so much coaching about what's right and wrong in relationships, what constitutes an okay union, what is out of bounds, and how to suppress normal human emotions to get along better in a relationship.
Jealousy isn't a disease, but the way it's talked about in polyamory circles you'd think it was.

I don't know. I'm confused by the whole thing and by how it's ever enough or fulfilling, or anything that could make you honestly and lastingly happy.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 22nd, 2004 11:50 am (UTC)
"Tuesday Wife" isn't going to like that kind of talk. You'd better go into the Off-Day Common Bedroom and talk to her.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 12:15 pm (UTC)
I'm into monoamory right now because I love Scott so damn much. Odd that I didn't feel that way with Dave, and only became mono because he asked me to.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 12:17 pm (UTC)
Well, maybe it's not so odd. The people I've known who've gone back and forth between the two have usually had other issues in the relationships in which they chose to be poly.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 12:29 pm (UTC)
Like the fact that Dave was fat, boring, and sex with him was like being squashed by a marshmallow?
Apr. 22nd, 2004 12:33 pm (UTC)
That could be one factor, yes. ::Nods::

See, with the whole poly thing... Would you be okay with you and C having a poly relationship? I know you've mentioned misgivings in this direction before (not with C, but with poly/mono in general), but I know you've also had some successful poly relationships.

For you is it just the remarkable ability to be fully in love with more than one person, or is it not being able to choose, or more a physical thing instead of a purely emotional one...

Apr. 22nd, 2004 01:49 pm (UTC)
I don't think I would be okay with me and c [Scott] having a poly relationship. I love him too much [and consequently am too jealous]. Right now, I want to be touching him all the time.

Plus, heck, when would either of us ever have TIME for another partner, what with college and sleep and stuff?
Apr. 22nd, 2004 12:33 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... I wonder if sex with a fat, boring marshmallow is like being squashed by Dave?

/me fucks fat, boring marshmallow
Apr. 22nd, 2004 01:33 pm (UTC)
Speaking of...
Fat, hairy, long hair, bad goatee, pagan, poly, goth, sci-fi, RPGer, wiccan, vampire, furry... THIS GUY'S GOT IT ALL! And a shitty "comic strip" too.

"Winter Wolfe Arcane"... hee!
Apr. 22nd, 2004 01:52 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
Gahahahahahahahahahaha hilarity.

Dave had the "evil villain handlebar moustache" thing going on as well as the bad goatee.

But I'm vilifying him in order to feel better that he dumped me. We had a good year, during the 2 years we were together.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 02:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
Oh dear lord.
Yet another guy who should never have had facial hair or long hair.

Lemme guess, he usually kept the long hair back in a ponytail, right? most often that's becuase they just shouldn't have long hair to begin with and it looks assilicious

Don't worry about villifying him. Call a dork a dork. I've had my share.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 02:06 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
Yeah, he kept it back in a ponytail. Mostly because he never brushed or washed it, so it was all matted and greasy.

With short hair he looked like a bull-dyke.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 02:11 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
Two years huh?
Apr. 24th, 2004 09:18 am (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
Yup. Two years.

Two "oh god if I leave him no-one else will want me and I'll be alone forever" years.
Apr. 22nd, 2004 01:55 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
ohhh, AND in his user pics, his sexy pix is ALL monobrow...
Apr. 22nd, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
That is sexy!

Mono-brow, mono-gamy... coincidence? You be the judge!

This brings me to the obvious conclusion that we polybrowed people just have too much love to give. Enough that, if targeted at only one recipient, it could even be deadly.
Apr. 24th, 2004 09:18 am (UTC)
Re: Speaking of...
We should shave 'em off.
Apr. 23rd, 2004 12:00 pm (UTC)
Not having jealousy is the thing that makes poly work. I don't think a poly relationship with any jealousy in it at all would be stable.

I'm tempted to give you my imperial permission not to understand it.
Apr. 23rd, 2004 12:50 pm (UTC)
Oh I don't have any problems not understanding it. I can do that without the permission (but thanks).
I've just never heard a really clear statement about the whole thing from anyone "in the poly community" about it beyond them just saying that this is the lifestyle they are supposed to have.... like being right or left handed, it's just how they are.

I even saw some things comparing this to homosexuality not being a choice but a product of your birth, basically saying some people are born poly some people born mono and that the differences should be treated just as you would treat sexual preference (which I think is a load of hooey, but well, to each his own)

I think I dont understand not having jealousy. Do you just not get jealous ever about anything... have you just *never* been jealous or is it a product of being just that secure with the person you're with?

Honestly, reading the poly community, it seems that most of them have issues with jealousy and most of them struggle *not* to be jealous. Which seems completely hypocritical when put next to their statements about how you can't force someone who's poly or mono to be the other just because you want them to.

Just curious about the whole thing really because I know in the past I've been attack first, ask questions later on the topic.
Honestly curious how that all works, and the poly community is so full of crusaders that it's just painful to read. Apparently their relationship choices are their own personal soap boxes as well.
Apr. 23rd, 2004 10:27 pm (UTC)
I don't think I've ever been jealous about sexual matters. I mean, Merlin I know, and I know she's not going anywhere that she's not going to come back from, but I've also been in at least one other relationship where I wasn't nearly so secure, and I wasn't jealous about her either. I suspect that this sort of lack of jealousy becomes much more common in the presence of birth control and the absence of untreatable STDs, but I don't have it anyway.

Quite a few of the "poly" people I've met, it's been one person wanting to sleep around, and one person who's willing to tolerate it, and occasionally they switch roles. Which, yeah, isn't the best way to run your life. Of course, a fair number of "monogamous" relationships seem to run that way too. Sliminess goes under all sorts of labels, I guess.

Also, there are people who actually want things that it's impossible for one partner to provide. I know some very, very bisexual people who simply wouldn't be happy only playing with one gender for the rest of their lives. Or there are the perverts: maybe sometimes you want to beat your partner into submission and then force him to get you off, and sometimes you just want to be snuggled and held and made gentle love to, and maybe it's just not possible for both of those to happen with the same person. Not to mention the folks who get off on watching their partner having sex with someone else, or who like threesomes, or whatever.

Apr. 24th, 2004 09:11 am (UTC)
I suspect that this sort of lack of jealousy becomes much more common in the presence of birth control and the absence of untreatable STDs, but I don't have it anyway.

erg... I wouldn't call that lack of jealousy, or a cause of jealousy. A cause of concern, yeah, but not jealousy.

Sliminess goes under all sorts of labels, I guess.

Oh yes indeed. People are scum. Period. Most of them aren't worth your time, let along affection.

As for the kinks... to me those are all just sex they don't have anything to do with love or a loving relationship. They can exist *within* a loving relationship, but so many seem so purely sexual (and sometimes requiring a role playing so deep that you're just two different people in a lot of ways) that I can't picture that sort of thing as a valid driving factor for having more than one partner.

So maybe that's another factor in why I don't get it, I just don't see the super kink side as being a valid reason, and also I've seen far too many "poly" people just be people who cheat on their current partner and call it poly.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )


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