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I think that the movie experience I've just had is quite possibly the very worst I've ever had.

There really aren't words to describe how horrible a movie Van Helsing is. If you have any affection at all for Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, or any of the older monster movies be forewarned that this movie takes a big hard long piss on them.

It was almost parody. *almost*. But it wasn't, and it wasn't trying to be. And the thing is... it wasn't even laugh at it funny.

literally every 10 seconds they threw another blatant, tired, assinine movie cliche at you. It wasn't camp though, it was just bad. No acting. None. No consistency to ANY Of the accents. And even the special effects were poorly done, screaming of matting issues and obvious delinations between matte backgrounds and foreground set pieces.

It was SO incredibly bad. so so so so so so so so so so so bad.

Edit: I failed to mention that it was also 2 1/2 hours long. I am personally angry at Hugh Jackman. Fuck Hugh Jackman.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
akadashi
May. 8th, 2004 12:20 am (UTC)
You can't fuck Hugh Jackman, hon... he's GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEHHHH.
subbes
May. 8th, 2004 12:59 am (UTC)
So, wit, it was worse than "Matrix 3: Hello, Have We Mentioned Neo Is Jesus?"
maddening
May. 8th, 2004 09:19 am (UTC)
It was very very much worse than that and it even borrowed heavily from it and the rest of the matrix trilogy, including action sequences, look, and some of the "special effects".

I realize it was broadstrokes, comic book-y or was supposed to be. But it failed to even get to "camp".
mjfgates
May. 8th, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
You should have used the opportunity to get in some serious necking, leading up to wild screaming sex in the theater seats.
maddening
May. 8th, 2004 09:21 am (UTC)
I was really tired and not in a great mood to begin with when the movie started and we both actually just wanted to leave the movie (never just left a theatre before, never walked out of a movie).

The idea of necking with Andre right beside me is *highly* disturbing. He's currently in a painting theme of Dante's inferno, but it currently involves cute little lumpy children things, balloons with faces, and some times teddy bears.

mjfgates
May. 8th, 2004 11:20 am (UTC)
Dante's Inferno with teddy bears? I like this guy already.
umbrella
May. 8th, 2004 06:21 am (UTC)
Richard Gere remake of 'Shall We Dance' will be worse.

Trust me.
maddening
May. 8th, 2004 09:22 am (UTC)
OH I'm sure it will, actually.

But it's not something I'll ever see, so I can probably stick with *this* being the worst for me for now.

Until I get dragged to see Ladykillers or something
umbrella
May. 8th, 2004 11:18 am (UTC)
Well considering the last film with a wolfman/vampire/frankenstein monster was probably Translyvania 6-5000 (with Jeff "umm" Goldblum). You can't really imagine a hit.

I really do look forward to the remake of shall we dance. I want to see Richard Gere as a shy, futureless salaryman, lost adrift in the world and given sparkle by the idea of dancing in BLACKPOOL* of all places.


*Blackpool being one of the cheesiest and crappy places in England.


maddening
May. 9th, 2004 10:28 am (UTC)
As with most american remakes, you can bet there will be at least one sweet talking/shuckster black man, one sassy latino woman, and probably at least one middle aged asian man with heartwarmingly poor English.

I don't think that Transylvania 6-5000 sticks out to me as a Jeff Goldblum movie so much as an Ed Begley Jr. Movie. At least Goldblum has had *a* successful film.
akadashi
May. 9th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC)
Ed Begley Jr. is wildly popular in Denmark.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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