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I was going through really old entries today looking for one in particular.

I really was that dumb, wasn't I? Two years ago and I was that fucking childish and dumb and needy that I just took any little scrap of anything I was handed and ran with it. What a damned wounded animal of a person I was.

I don't make a lot of soppy emotional "OHMYGODYOUARETHEBESTTHINGEVARRRR" kind of posts about Karl because I don't need to. First of all, he's right here. He knows I love him. He knows that he is the most important person in my life and that more than just "not going anywhere" he's sooo stuck with me. He's my best friend and he has been since the moment I met him. If we hadn't ended up opening our eyes and seeing what was sitting here in front of us calling us idiots, we would still be *just* best friends. This is fact.
I've learned in the past few years that I don't have to scream something in order for it to be real. And often, if I'm screaming it, it's not real at all... as I witnessed today reading back a few years.

The people I've been with in the past were people I chose for one reason or another. Usually it was a heavy measure of "want to fix them" mixed with a heavy measure of "want someone to fix me". Get burnt by wanting to fix people enough times and you learn to stop wanting that. Learn to stop wanting that and you learn to fix yourself.
I was dumb for a lot of years. But it was honest idiocy. I really didn't know any better.

I don't make soppy posts about Karl, but I could. And I know that. And knowing that I could take any number of small things done or said any day of any month and babble about them in an entry (instead of having to invent things to convince myself with) more than satisfies the need to do so.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 13th, 2004 06:49 pm (UTC)
All this time, you've been plotting to have me fixed?

I've never thought I was interested in broken people as such, but all the interesting people turn out to be broken.

You should make a disgusting soppy post about Karl so everybody can go "awwwww she's so CUUUUUTE". It's kind of a public service thing.
Sep. 14th, 2004 03:36 pm (UTC)
There's broken meaning "not really the norm.. a little off kilter" and then there's brokwn meaning "not functional as an self sufficient thing"

Sep. 13th, 2004 09:03 pm (UTC)
Is this post aimed at anyone in particular?
Sep. 14th, 2004 06:22 am (UTC)
Ya know late last night I actually thought that you might take it that way, so I re-read and decided that it was pretty clear that I was bashing the fuck out of MYSELF.

Guess it wasn't so clear. I uh ... I do still post about me sometimes... I think.

No, Alex. This is only pointed at me. Going back two years in my journal and seeing the over the top bullshit I posted about the LOVE LOVE LOVE for chad and how blatantly I was lying to myself was just... well embarassing really, and sympomatic of my huge need to be loved by ANYONE.

That's because I know I'd been lying to myself. If, in retrospect, I'd just been a little embarassed at how gooshy I was because I'm a stoic sometimes, but the sentiment had all been true... that would be entirely different.

If I were going to point anything at you, I'd do it in your own journal where the hordes of defenders-of-subbes'-right-to-be-happy would gleefully trample me into a billion pieces. As it should be.

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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