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Sep. 24th, 2004

I just don't like people anymore at all. Or rather, it's an effort not to just hate everyone.

I don't post a lot. Even the "friends only" posts are vague becuase I refuse to be caught out in something said to the wrong ears.

So, I don't talk about the things that are bugging me in the format I have traditionally been most comfortable with when it comes to talking about the things that are bugging me. Becuase I have no trust. Even for those people who are supposedly friends, I don't trust any of you anymore. It's a sad thing to say and mean. Then again there are a few of you I trust for absolutely no good reason.

I'm not changing anything, I'm not "going friends only", I'm just acknowledging to myself in some out loud kind of way that my trust is shrivelling up. And that's hard actually. I really *want* to trust people. Somehow after all these years of seeing absolutely the worst of what humans have to offer each other there's apparently part of me that's still convinced it's possible for humans to not be self service assholes. Which is why I qualify as an optimist.

So, a question really... when you go out of your way to fuck over a "friend"... someone you have called a friend in the past and currently, do you feel bad about it afterward? Do you justify? Was it a situational thing where the means justified the supposed end or was it just one of those unfortunate days when someone was in your way?
I know a lot of you have purposefully gone out of your way to fuck someone over, whether you felt they deserved it or not, so I'm just curious what that's like and how you make it okay to yourself later.


( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:10 am (UTC)
I don't make it okay to myself later. I'm always guilty.

[Is this related to the thing you were compaining about about 6 months ago?]
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
Incidentally, gimme a mailing address where I can send you guys a macaroni-on-construction-paper "Congratulations!" card?
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:34 am (UTC)
sent from maddening at gmail.com
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:36 am (UTC)
Got it. Thanks.

WRT the last paragraph: I have what seems like a negative amount of free time. Sorry -- but I would hate to say yes, and then let you down.
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:47 am (UTC)
Just trying to get you some pretty easy extra cash. No big whoop
Sep. 24th, 2004 02:53 pm (UTC)
Which reminds me...

You still collect Pez stuff? If so, send me an address too. I saw something.

As to the original post, if anything, I spend half my life agonizing about what the right thing to do is. And then probably screw it up anyway, but I don't think I've ever actually made a point of fucking someone over.
Sep. 24th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC)
Actually you're one of the few people I think I've ever met who I know for a fact have never consciously set out to fuck someone over. I mean hell, people make mistakes and things happen, but I just can't see you sitting there and thinking "yeah, fuck him, I'm going to do THIS..." well... thinking it... I can't see you DOING it.

anyway, I ramble.
you still use the panix.net address?
Sep. 25th, 2004 09:04 pm (UTC)
panix.com, but yes.
Sep. 24th, 2004 08:29 am (UTC)
Actually it's a yes and no. In an overall "people go out of their way to be selfabsorbed shits" thing, yeah, it's related.

If you mean that I'm still complaining about the same thing I was complaining about 6 months ago then no. This is all new depressive bullshit about all new things.

Sep. 24th, 2004 04:26 pm (UTC)
I honestly don't recall ever trying to fuck anybody over who I'd ever thought of as a friend. Which is NOT that I haven't fucked people over before, just that... the people I want to see fucked, it seems like I always know I don't like them right from the start.

Now, 'scuse me, I've got my thingies now, so I've gotta start doing this thingy.
Sep. 30th, 2004 10:29 am (UTC)
I go "well I'm a petty little shit anyway" and leave it like so. Its easy to say "i love my contradictions" too. happy hippy bullshit, seen?

but when i fuck people over its usually prankster stuff. for a scorpio i'm pisspoor at revenge.
Sep. 30th, 2004 11:52 am (UTC)
ya know what I'm talking about that... I KNOW you know what I'm talking about. That whole... yeah, we're friends.. oh wait... you're in the way of my convenience... FUCK YOU.

Sep. 30th, 2004 01:38 pm (UTC)
yeah. its funny cause i am actually facing the same thing but its too confounding and frustrating for me to find a way to purge it in words.

like for me anyway honestly. i have brain disorders. i really really am uncomfortable with people. i am at my worst when i am close to people. i feel like ... they'll cut me and if theres a problem no one will help me and they'll not hesitate to run me over should i be in between them and whatever they want. and on and on! and they have a diagnosis and a name for that, its common enough.

i have found that i can't really exclude most of my friends from this. i mean: in my head its all fragmented and i THINK they arent like that and they are special and i am special.

but its like... cut them off in rush hour on accident and see their bad side run wild... type of thing. you know?

we're just fuckin animals.
except we can rationalize ANYTHING.

Oct. 1st, 2004 05:39 am (UTC)
I've really seen the absolute worst of some people who I thought weren't just like... buddies, but were actually close. My very short list of people I trust not to be fucks has gotten a little shorter and I really haven't talked about the "ow" aspect with anyone but Karl (not that I've been talking about the whole thing with anyone, but still).
I've *almost* just made posts about this several times but have stopped myself. I've *almost* confronted things, but have stopped myself. It's confrontation that I don't need right now with everything else I've got going and honestly, I'd rather prioritize like that. What's going to hurt the least right now.

We ARE just fucking animals. Not even particularly interesting or neat ones.
Oct. 1st, 2004 10:22 am (UTC)
i call them hurtful truths: things that are like burning in your heart and yet will only cause damage if you serve it up to whoever deserves it. Youre right, is it worth it? Not for those, not unless you get off on people being made uncomfortable (sometimes I do, though, lol). All I can do is know where to hold those people and yeah, my boo is the only one who knows it ALL. I think you're safe to lean on Karl about it :) And I know its rotten to realize just how worthless like.. everyone IS.... but you should maybe consider revelling in the fact that you ain't like that.:)
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )


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