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been doing a lot of thinking about the christian god.
And finding *no* answers.
And that's okay.
I didn't really expect to find any. I never really do when I start thinking about organized religion. Just lots of "why"s with a lot of "just cuz"s
considering that it should be a matter of blind faith, intellectual reasoning necessarily doesn't fit.
It just trips me that so many people change their relgious world view as quickly as they change clothes, or hair styles..
"ooh, think I'll be a buddhist this week to match my long and sleek look"
"oh, wait, gonna chop it all off and dye it blonde... need something more loose and free and easy.. hmmm.. .maybe a woman affirming branch of wicca..."

And they don't really get how disingenuious it is. Sure, change your mind.. I mean.. PLEASE change your mind.. don't be a static person.
But don't change it on whim. This is a religion, not a designer.
there's just too little faith and too much dogma.
Looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Jay used to say that I was his pot of gold. That I was just ... his prize. Because finally someone got him. Someone dug the convoluted ramblings and the coffee fueled genius that he spewed.
But then he changed. And I changed. And unfortunately it happened after we professed too much for it to not be awkward for him.
Tainted pot of gold.
Just for finally feeling what he was pushing me toward.

Men push me into feelings. Do everything they can to sway me. And when I capitulate, confess, run toward it... they always withdraw it.
They got the boost they needed.
then that's that.

Some of them spend some time pretending. They're the ones who break me every time.
The ones who have the balls to be honest, well, I can still talk to them. Find pleasure in having at least bits of them. But the ones who have used me and then cut me off... the ONE who broke my heart.
Every bit of contact is just another piling on of all the caustic things I know he feels. And I didn't do anything wrong. I only did what he ASKED me to do.
Should have known better, sure, I guess.
But.. fuck..
Am I just NEVER allowed to let myself hope?
I'm so tired of having to protect myself. I just want ONE TIME to be able to fall into someone and find safety instead of this constant bed of nails.

Yeah, I know... sounds like I'm just whining. But if you had any idea... just.. ANY idea..
what it is that the male species in general has put me through. The things done to me, physical, mental and emotional, at the hands of men who just really DID NOT CARE that I was just as human and hurtable as them.
And I hear people who have had the smallest.. tiniest things done to them.
And while I know everyone owns their own pain... and that hurts hit people differently... It makes me.. ANGRY that they hate men so much. That they can let themselves be so utterly hateful over so little.
I still don't hate men.
And believe me.. I have EVERY reason to.

The men haters can go fuck themselves.


( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 11th, 2001 11:47 am (UTC)
I just hate everybody as a rule. It's when people do something to distinguish themselves from the churning masses of imbosills that I take note.

I'm a cynic, a pragmatist and a disenchanted romantic. Sometimes, people still inspire me, and I hate it when they do, because it reminds me there are interesting people out there and makes it harder for me to hit them all with my car :-]
Jun. 11th, 2001 12:57 pm (UTC)
I hate PEOPLE.
I like Specific people.
But this wholesale "I will hate the opposite of my gender because some of them have been shitty to me" thing is pathetic, whiney, and really really gaddamned narrow minded.

I'm not talking about the occasional "men/women suck" comment when you're pissed.
I'm talking about people who make it their total mode of thought.
fuckin pathetic.

Too much like those people who have a bad encounter or two with people of a particular race and decide that the whole race is this or that.
If I applied that logic, I would HAVE to refer to the white race as all just devils. Menaces. Disgusting, putrid, racist, bigotted, ignorant, small minded, dogmatic, opressive asswhipes.. the whole lot.

Heh, self hating white...
Jun. 11th, 2001 01:08 pm (UTC)
Theres nothing more dangerous than Misplaced, Yupi, white guilt. People who think they have to stand up for the blacks, latinos, asian...whoever, out of some sense of moral descency or what have you. People who stick their noses places they don't belong and make things worse for everybody.

The difference between actavism now and in the 60's is in the 60's the halp was asked for and accepted, and the fight was of their choosing. Now all these middle class suburban white kids feel a need to stand up for people who would be just as happy left alone and not being arrested for just being black and living in a certain neighboorhood.

Sorry, Tangent.
Jun. 11th, 2001 01:24 pm (UTC)
I have a friend who's a Skokomish indian (actually, ex boyfriend) who's number one complaint about being in a predominantly white area and being very identifiably indian means that immeditely he's treated differently. kid gloved *all* the time.
He just thought it was so... rude, really.

And you're right. Historical guilt is just as damaging in a lot of ways as being a bigot. Stepping in and *assuming* that these POOR LITTLE MINORITIES NEED your help is just... egotistical.
I dunno.
I'm all for activism.. but I think that, while it's okay for people of all races to suport a cause, being the figure head for the equality struggle of another race places the peoples of that race into a position of inferiority.
"oh thank you great white leader for bringing us out of the darkness."

Wow... I just don't like anything, do I?
Jun. 11th, 2001 02:31 pm (UTC)
You like me!

Jun. 11th, 2001 02:41 pm (UTC)
whenever I don't not like you.
Jun. 11th, 2001 02:29 pm (UTC)
Exactly. Its PEOPLE who cause the pain. Women, Men, Gay, Straight, black, white, Latino, Asian... It seems 98% of this planet just doesn't give a shit about what anyone feels but themselves.

For the remaining 2%, things really suck. They spend most of their time CARING how things affect other people, and that leaves no one to watch out for them...

Usually... there's, and I'm only deciding this on blind faith, the chance that two of the 2% could run into each other... I assume that would rock.

Its that hope, for that scenario, that really makes it possible to keep tryin' this "dating" thing. heh.
Jun. 11th, 2001 11:13 pm (UTC)
Well spoken. And well thought. Seems like I find precious little of that these days.
Jun. 11th, 2001 11:38 pm (UTC)
Considering who that's coming from, that quite the compliment.
Jun. 12th, 2001 12:50 am (UTC)
Who, me?
Jun. 12th, 2001 11:01 am (UTC)
No. Not you.
The 6 foot tall, rabies ridden, drooling, grinning, sharp toothed rabbit behind you.

Jun. 13th, 2001 02:16 am (UTC)
Fluffy's had all his shots, though....
Jun. 13th, 2001 09:38 am (UTC)
but he obviously wasn't fixed judging by the way he keeps humping everything.
Just *ruined* that director's chair.
Jun. 13th, 2001 05:44 pm (UTC)
it has become glaringly obvious that people suck.

there is a final solution

immanetize the eschaton

feel me?

andres = 23 = beast
[Gematria of Nothing]

you will never be ready for:

Jun. 13th, 2001 09:06 pm (UTC)

If you can't see the fnords they can't eat you, Andres.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )


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