And finding *no* answers.
And that's okay.
I didn't really expect to find any. I never really do when I start thinking about organized religion. Just lots of "why"s with a lot of "just cuz"s
considering that it should be a matter of blind faith, intellectual reasoning necessarily doesn't fit.
It just trips me that so many people change their relgious world view as quickly as they change clothes, or hair styles..
"ooh, think I'll be a buddhist this week to match my long and sleek look"
"oh, wait, gonna chop it all off and dye it blonde... need something more loose and free and easy.. hmmm.. .maybe a woman affirming branch of wicca..."
And they don't really get how disingenuious it is. Sure, change your mind.. I mean.. PLEASE change your mind.. don't be a static person.
But don't change it on whim. This is a religion, not a designer.
there's just too little faith and too much dogma.
Looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Jay used to say that I was his pot of gold. That I was just ... his prize. Because finally someone got him. Someone dug the convoluted ramblings and the coffee fueled genius that he spewed.
But then he changed. And I changed. And unfortunately it happened after we professed too much for it to not be awkward for him.
Tainted pot of gold.
Just for finally feeling what he was pushing me toward.
Men push me into feelings. Do everything they can to sway me. And when I capitulate, confess, run toward it... they always withdraw it.
They got the boost they needed.
then that's that.
Some of them spend some time pretending. They're the ones who break me every time.
The ones who have the balls to be honest, well, I can still talk to them. Find pleasure in having at least bits of them. But the ones who have used me and then cut me off... the ONE who broke my heart.
Every bit of contact is just another piling on of all the caustic things I know he feels. And I didn't do anything wrong. I only did what he ASKED me to do.
Should have known better, sure, I guess.
Am I just NEVER allowed to let myself hope?
I'm so tired of having to protect myself. I just want ONE TIME to be able to fall into someone and find safety instead of this constant bed of nails.
Yeah, I know... sounds like I'm just whining. But if you had any idea... just.. ANY idea..
what it is that the male species in general has put me through. The things done to me, physical, mental and emotional, at the hands of men who just really DID NOT CARE that I was just as human and hurtable as them.
And I hear people who have had the smallest.. tiniest things done to them.
And while I know everyone owns their own pain... and that hurts hit people differently... It makes me.. ANGRY that they hate men so much. That they can let themselves be so utterly hateful over so little.
I still don't hate men.
And believe me.. I have EVERY reason to.
The men haters can go fuck themselves.