My mood has been wavering greatly today and yesterday. I was doing pretty well today until my mom called to tell me I got some letter from the IRS. It is most likely absolutely nothing to worry about. But she has such an ability to be my own personal rainy cloud that honestly, she could have told me that I got a letter from Santa Claus and it would sound ominous. Even if it *is* something bad, I can hardly do anything about it until at least Monday or Tuesday when it gets to me. I love my mom. I like talking to her. I just wish I didn't always come away from it feeling something negative, whether its the unconscious guilt trips she throws out or just the non-stop gloom report she's become. I mean... I'm sarcastic and cynical and pretty damned "done" with most of the world... but somehow she trumps me.

I am sure this horrible mood I'm in right now is PMS. Which, I have found, I have no problem admitting to. I actually used to think I had PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder) becuase of how incredibly depressed I got right before a period. Turns out that if you're already depressed, unhappy with your life, in a bad situation, with bad people, and little hope for change or happiness getting the "blues" easily turns into the "blacks".
I'm not denying my crazy.
I'm just saying that it isn't as bad as it used to be.

Last Saturday I had my first real martini. I want more. Karl is going to pick up some more vodka and some vermouth on the way home. I dunno if I should be having alcohol in my mood, but I think I'll bounce back before Karl gets home. How we ended up with 4 different types of vodka that are all flavored I have no idea. I honestly don't remember buying them.

More coffee? Should I? My hands are cold. It's the end of April, 50 some degrees and drizzly. I feel compressed today in a way I'm not used to feeling. Not stressed, not explosive, just... compact. small in the way things under shrink wrap are small.

More coffee. Less work.