A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid
maddening

I've been wanting to update and talk about things but find myself instead doing the write/backspace... write/backspace thing. Honestly, that's probably for the best. I don't know how comfortable I feel about just "talking about my feelings" right now. I don't know what would or wouldn't be appropriate audience for that. Hell, I can't even guage any more how many of the people who might read this journal would still actually care about anything like that. Heh, that's not an indictment of you, just the truth. Mostly that's my fault. I don't keep up, I let other people fall by the wayside. I guess spending years knowing people for only a few weeks at a time made me into a kleenex friend sort of person, without the snot and throwing away part. Either because of work or life or just my own inability to keep close contacts, I haven't really talked to people lately. Therefore I find it hard to believe anyone would want to talk to me. Then on top of that, envisioning getting all emotional on the phone with any of you is... hehe...yeah. That's... preposterous.

Right now I am so keyed up, so emotional, that I didn't want Karl to go to work simply becuase I didn't want to be alone. And I'm having a hard time not going back and just deleting all of this becuase it sounds like a steaming pile of LJ drama-whore bullshit... except I don't have any tit shot icons to go with it.

I honestly think I'm in that place where I need just the *right* feedback. That I can't run the risk of no feedback once I put the problems out there... but worse than that I really don't want to have to explain myself or end up feeling defensive about things. I don't want to be mistaken for a drama causer. I don't want to be filed under "another hysterical female". Becuase I'm none of that and while *I* may know that and Karl may know that, how the hell would the rest of you, really? It passes the sounds like, walks like, looks like test and I know that. But I also know it's not that. So I stick to talking to Karl about it. Becuase he's got the inside track here and he's not likely to just think of me as hysterical any time soon.

anyway... that's my update I guess. Holly = not a happy person right now.
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