and I don't think I'll be able to stop him
too much weight for me
He wants to hang out
I can't fix him
too gaddamned much
yesterday I got smacked twice with the heel of sean's hand.
once to the jaw.
once to the eye area.
I'm bruised and sore.
I don't know if it was intentional.
I really didn't think it was.
getting in between two hot headed boys was not smart
But i mangled his balls for it.
felt the soft give at the tip of my boot
felt no remorse.
walked it off.
he called today, wanting to talk.
I let him come over. just two hours ago.
walked down to the street
down to his car
finger bruises on my arms now
bruised on my back.
my stomach where he brought his knee up.
scraped on my hands where I caught myself
when he pushed me to the asphalt.
he's gone off the deep end.
I've never heard the word 'whore' said that many times
I've never seen spit fly like that.
just from talking
and from when he spit in my face
I called Tim.
I let him know that Sean was on his way home.
I can't do more than that.
I WONT do more than that.
I want a very specific shoulder to cry on.
and he's not here.
and fuck me .. just FUCK ME for letting myself get dependent.
I know better.
I know SO MUCH BETTER
and I'm angry
just seething at myself.
I duped myself yet again.
And I'm probably overreacting, sure.
But it's never around when I need it. never has been. ever.
and really, why the hell do I keep up all this increasingly pointless hope that it will be.
I need to scream and walk
but I can't
because I'm scared of someone popping up and hitting me
fuck this noise