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okay

the ex is suicidal
and I don't think I'll be able to stop him
too much weight for me
He wants to hang out
I can't fix him
too gaddamned much
yesterday I got smacked twice with the heel of sean's hand.
once to the jaw.
once to the eye area.
I'm bruised and sore.
I don't know if it was intentional.
I really didn't think it was.
getting in between two hot headed boys was not smart
But i mangled his balls for it.
felt the soft give at the tip of my boot
felt no remorse.
walked it off.
he called today, wanting to talk.
I let him come over. just two hours ago.
walked down to the street
down to his car
finger bruises on my arms now
bruised on my back.
my neck
my stomach where he brought his knee up.
scraped on my hands where I caught myself
when he pushed me to the asphalt.
he's gone off the deep end.
I've never heard the word 'whore' said that many times
I've never seen spit fly like that.
just from talking
and from when he spit in my face
I called Tim.
I let him know that Sean was on his way home.
I can't do more than that.
I WONT do more than that.


I want a very specific shoulder to cry on.
and he's not here.
and fuck me .. just FUCK ME for letting myself get dependent.
I know better.
I know SO MUCH BETTER
and I'm angry
just seething at myself.
I duped myself yet again.
And I'm probably overreacting, sure.
But it's never around when I need it. never has been. ever.
and really, why the hell do I keep up all this increasingly pointless hope that it will be.
I need to scream and walk
but I can't
because I'm scared of someone popping up and hitting me


fuck this noise

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
ragdoll13
Jun. 15th, 2001 06:49 am (UTC)
My God, hon. I'll kill him, if you want me to. I might not be able to get to it yet, but I'll drive across the GODDAMN COUNTRY and kill him.
maddening
Jun. 15th, 2001 10:57 am (UTC)
Had someone just let me know that he had gone off his anti psychotics, it really wouldn't have been a problem, ya know.
He's in the hospital now.
sedated, drugged, strapped down.
drstinky
Jun. 15th, 2001 10:12 am (UTC)
the second
you physically get hurt, ya never talk to them again -- elementary -- elementary! -- the sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll learn something else, like how to multiply without the assistance of that table on the back of your gradeschool notebook (not trying to insult, but like I said --elementary).

me high and mighty.

fuck that shit.

Stinkies and Winkies. =8-)

We're thinkers, not American Gladiators.
maddening
Jun. 15th, 2001 03:11 pm (UTC)
Re: the second
I would have to never ever speak to my father again. Or my brother.
Accidents happen and had the first time been just an accident and nothing else had come of it, that would have been fine.
He won't be back in my life now. But... it makes it difficult. It wasn't him slamming up against that car. It was this other thing in his head.
That doesn't make him blameless. He *did* decide to go off his drugs.
But neither does it mean it was specifically malicious or intentional. or.. gah.. can't explain it.
I blame the psychosis more than him.


Yep, I'm sure that's just totally fucked up. That I should be outraged, out for blood, revenge, and feeling aloof and superior... a self rigteous victim who 'just won't take it.'
But I'm just not.
It's not that cut and dry at all.
No, I won't be hanging out with him anymore, in fact I'd prefer not to see him. But I don't harbor hatred.
It's just not my way. It's never done me any good. It stifles growth and understanding.

drstinky
Jun. 15th, 2001 03:37 pm (UTC)
Re: the second
I never said it was a good idea to hate them or seek revenge -- just stay away from them -- I know it's never that cut and dry, though (the reasons and the reality, I mean) -- HOWEVER, that doesn't even matter especially for women -- women need to practice the art of staying away from abusive men, whether it's due to psychosis or evil -- let men try and figure out how to get men to quit beating women up -- women just need to stay away from these animals as best they can -- I'm not being all gothy and pussy and shit -- "Wah! Women have it hard and they're superior and I'm gonna cry now. Wah!" -- I'm just saying that the solution needs to be simple so you have a nice, clear-cut reaction embedded in your skull -- STAY AWAY! You can think about reasons and shmeasons all you want -- just do it somewhere else...

My father's the only one who I still talk to who's done me any physical harm (besides monkeying-around type shit with friends - i'm actually one of the biggest culprits there) -- that's 'cause he's my father, though -- I talk to him on certain conditions and he knows that -- he's lucky. He knows I can cut him loose whenever, so he treats me accordingly -- not that I couldn't beat the fuck out of him at this age anyway -- he cut his crap right before I was big enough to retaliate -- smart. poopy. Sometimes exceptions to the above rule need to be made for family (and sometimes not), but NEVER for anyone else -- life's too short to play with that crap -- you might as well do it on your own terms (burn yourself or something)

Stinkies and Winkies and Purple John Hinckleys,
assmar
subliminalis
Nov. 28th, 2001 12:11 am (UTC)
m
:puts ice on old bruses, makup on older scars...:
subbes
Nov. 28th, 2001 06:05 am (UTC)
Re: m
Why hide scars?
subliminalis
Nov. 28th, 2001 11:37 am (UTC)
Re: m
why not
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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