A Non-Newtonian Fluid (maddening) wrote,
A Non-Newtonian Fluid

The bad old days

I was looking for some stuff I'd written here and there and was going back through the journal to find it. I have absolutely no sense of time so I was having a hard time figuring out when things happened. Like... I thought it was much more recently that I talked to Jay (AutoKaotik from the Random Game from those of you who are old timers like that) but apparently I last talked to him sometime in '02. That sucks because I actually miss him sometimes and wonder how he's doing. If you have any idea where he is or how he is let me know?

Reading through anything from earlier than around May or June of 2002 is just painful. I don't like who I was, how I expressed myself, and all the constant whining. It's the kind of thing that, if I were to stumble across it, I would really hate the person. And the thing is - I don't remember half of what I was so upset about. I know I was really depressed for a good chunk of time there, but how often could I repeat how crappy I felt? In all of the 6 or 7 entries I made every day. Pretty cringe-worthy and uncomfortable.

I read all this angry vitriol at people and have no recollection of why I was so mad. I see me talking about how I'm going to change things and be better only to follow up not 1/2 an hour later with another overwrought outpouring.

I'm honestly embarassed by the "me" that wrote that stuff.

But it has done a nice job of proving out my own personal evolution from that to this. I FEEL so much better than I did then. So much so that it's hard to feel that that person has any actual connection to me - that's how different they are from who I am now. It feels like reading through a stranger's journal. A really angry, fucked up, whiney stranger's journal.

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