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The bad old days

I was looking for some stuff I'd written here and there and was going back through the journal to find it. I have absolutely no sense of time so I was having a hard time figuring out when things happened. Like... I thought it was much more recently that I talked to Jay (AutoKaotik from the Random Game from those of you who are old timers like that) but apparently I last talked to him sometime in '02. That sucks because I actually miss him sometimes and wonder how he's doing. If you have any idea where he is or how he is let me know?

Reading through anything from earlier than around May or June of 2002 is just painful. I don't like who I was, how I expressed myself, and all the constant whining. It's the kind of thing that, if I were to stumble across it, I would really hate the person. And the thing is - I don't remember half of what I was so upset about. I know I was really depressed for a good chunk of time there, but how often could I repeat how crappy I felt? In all of the 6 or 7 entries I made every day. Pretty cringe-worthy and uncomfortable.

I read all this angry vitriol at people and have no recollection of why I was so mad. I see me talking about how I'm going to change things and be better only to follow up not 1/2 an hour later with another overwrought outpouring.

I'm honestly embarassed by the "me" that wrote that stuff.

But it has done a nice job of proving out my own personal evolution from that to this. I FEEL so much better than I did then. So much so that it's hard to feel that that person has any actual connection to me - that's how different they are from who I am now. It feels like reading through a stranger's journal. A really angry, fucked up, whiney stranger's journal.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 25th, 2007 01:01 am (UTC)
I don't wanna grow up
Remember, you were regular interactions with Kieran, Andy Mason, and Danny Frost at the time...you had every reason to be angry.

And Katz...don't forget fucking Katz...

I'm odd because i believe that i wrote better five years ago than i do now. I haven't really changed all that much as a person (brain and pelage differences notwithstanding), but i've become less erudite and interesting as a writer.
May. 25th, 2007 01:06 pm (UTC)
Re: I don't wanna grow up
Ugh. Katz.

Unfortunately I think a lot of this stuff is free floating depression from my real day to day life and not due to anyone online (though I like the angle you're taking there).

I think that in that time period I was off-the-cuff wittier online but not so much in real life. That's flipped somewhat. In real life I'm more apt to make a stinging, sarcastic remark than I am to do so online. I think it also has to do with the sheer volume of people I interacted with online at that point in time.

I once upon a time beat myself up for a perceived drop in vocabulary and the overall scope of what I was writing about, but I find that that's periodic as well. Your writing has become less... dense. You're a little more plain spoken. I don't know if that's what you're referring to as being less interesting, but I don't think it's really a bad thing.

You certainly correct my spelling less often.
May. 26th, 2007 10:02 pm (UTC)
You bring meaning to my life...
My vocabulary has improved during each of the last five years. I simply don't find my recent writing as funny or compelling as my previous pieces.

In large part, this stems from lack of practice...allowing my rhetorical edge rust with disuse. I suspect that the bigger problem is that you, Miss Vertilgo, haven't been offering up your own wordy goodness with as great of frequency, leaving me uninspired and muse-less.

Yep, it's your fault. ::nods::

p.s. I do realize that density in writing isn't an indicator of quality...often quite the opposite. Kurt Vonnegut was bloody brilliant, yet breezily easy to read. That talent is what made him a real man of genius.
May. 26th, 2007 10:19 pm (UTC)
Re: You bring meaning to my life...
I've been writing a lot more lately. And I hope to keep that up and make the posts a bit more meaningful (or at least basically more witty) as I go.

Sorry I left you in the lurch, Ken.

I never know what makes writing good - I just know what I like when I read it.

You've always been very well spoken when it comes to written language (or would that be "well written"?), but I completely understand where you're coming from here.

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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